Friday, April 1, 2011

I've Been All Over the Map This Week

It's been a week of all kinds of things, I suppose nothing major just 'life'. 

I've been trying to stomach my job while I look for another one, and over the past few weeks I think I've been doing pretty good with that, but I guess that was bound to catch up with me.  I have too big of an ego and way too much pride to keep swallowing all the crap at work.  I'm just not a big enough person to keep doing this without it negatively impacting me. 

Two days ago my partner(wife) M told me she was offered another position in her company.  I know she really hates her job, actually it's more like she hates the way she's treated by her bosses.  With this new position she would be working for someone she likes and respects, and the job itself would be way more rewarding than what she's doing now.  But, cause there's always a downside, she'll be working nights, which is good and bad.  The good is she'll be more available to our 5 year old daughter, and it's only 3 nights a week from 5:00pm - 10:30pm.  But the bad is that we'll see each other less, and because she needs to leave by 4:30pm to get to work, and I don't usually get home until 6:00pm, we need to figure out who can watch our daughter for those couple hours, 3 times a week.  I have to admit that I hate the fact that when my day is done at work, I'll still have to run home and manage that for 3 nights a week.  I know it sounds petty and I'm probably spoiled, but that's why I'm writing it here and not telling M in person!

We signed our little girl up for kindergarten this week.  I think I'm more scared than she is!  It's a full day kindergarten, 5 days a week, she'll be taking the bus, it also feels like the first step of her growing up and away from us.  I know I'm overreacting, but that's the kind of week it's been.  Did I mention dating?  And driving in cars?  And 13 year-old hormones?  And smoking in the girls room?  And yelling at us that we're ruining her life??

I did meet with L this week.  We normally meet on Wednesday mornings but I had a conflict so we met on Tuesday instead.  It was hard.  When I got there I really wasn't sure where I was at.  I was somewhere between leaving and staying.  I was struggling to trust her and in order for me to talk I needed to trust her, so I was caught.  My session (or is it 'our' session?) usually goes for 90 minutes, and I'm pretty sure that for 80 of those minutes I didn't talk.  She was trying to throw out different topics, but I only wanted to talk about what I texted her last week, which was that I felt she was working with me differently. 

I can't remember the sequence of things after that.  But I think I told her that I felt like she was pushing me away.  She did ask me if I was mad/angry/upset at her for not having anytime for me on Friday.  I'm pretty sure I lied and told her it didn't bother me.  Then finally she said she wasn't sure if she should tell me this, and she didn't want to burden me with it, but she had some big family emergency-thing last week and she was probably a bit distracted by that, which may account for me feeling like she wasn't 'present'.  It felt a little weird for her to tell me that, and then I felt honored (maybe even special, not sure if that's ok for me to feel) and I guess a little relieved as well, and maybe at some point a little more connected to her.

She didn't just want to explore my feelings about it, and maybe we should still do that a bit more, but she was also acknowledging that it's not just my stuff that comes into play, it's her stuff as well.  I like to think that although the relationship is contrived/boundaried does that mean it's less real?  In so many ways this relationship means more to me than most others, if not all others.  Maybe that's too much? 

I think I just managed to spin myself again.....damn.

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