Friday, April 22, 2011

Maybe I Go Just for the Hug?

I'm not sure why I wanted to schedule a second appointment with L this week.  I saw her Wednesday and I asked to see her again today.  Wednesday was a good and even helpful session.  We spent most of it talking about some work issues that I'm having, which is something I don't normally talk about with her, at least not in so much detail, but it was really helpful.

Oddly enough while L and I were talking about work, internally I was fighting with myself to not continue the conversation.  I even said a couple of times outloud that I didn't want to talk about it anymore.  Usually when I say that, it's because the topic is uncomfortable for me, but this time as uncomfortable as the topic was for me, it was really because I wanted to talk about something else and I was afraid we'd run out of time and I leave with that crappy feeling of 'I wished I would have said.....'.

Luckily my sessions run for atleast an hour and a half, sometimes more if she has the time and we're in the middle of something, so usually, if I'm willing I can cover what I need/want to.  And this was one of those times. 

She gave me some breathing room and allowed me, at my own somewhat slow pace to bring up the subject of hugs and the feeling of wanting to be held.  She was so good and so supportive.  Externally I know that I give off the vibe of not being a touchy-feely kind of person, and most assume that I'm not much of a hugger.  And that is all partially true, but only partially.  L wants me to know that she's safe and she thinks that it would be good for me if we hugged. 

She asked me if there was someone, or some relative who's hugs I totally enjoyed.  Unfortunately beside my wife and my daughter (who gives the most amazing hugs!!!!) I couldn't think of anyone.  Then she asked what about my dad.  It's so sad and hard to know that my dad died nearly 3 years ago and I hadn't thought about his hugs in a while.  But yes, his hugs were great, as was my dad.  I always knew he loved me, and now with my own child I know he had the same parent-child love for me as I do for my daughter.

So I think today the only reason I want to go is to get a hug.