I don't have much time to write today, but I really want to at least get some of it out. C, my T has asked on a couple of different occasions, at the start of our sessions, 'what does it feel like coming here for therapy'. I typically give a short, smart ass, deflective-type answer. But last night and thinking more today I want to give her a much different response next time, or at least that's how I feel right now.

I want to tell her that yes, it's very different but maybe what I really need right now. Maybe I do need the silences, maybe I do need to just tell, and feel my story. I miss my relationship with L but maybe it wasn't really, or totally therapy. Or maybe it was therapy, sort of, but I need something different now. I really do like my new therapist C, but right now, at this very moment it seems like I may be getting really good 'therapy' right now.

I know there's a lot more, but it's a start.

Went to see/exprience Ani DiFranco for the first time the other night. I have always liked her, she is such a powerhouse wrapped up in such a petite frame. As with most good artists her writings continue to morph as her life changes. In preparation for her concert I had been listening to her new album(funny I still refer to it as an album) Allergic to Water, and one song in particular has really grabbed a hold of me 'Rainy Parade'.

                                              "Rainy Parade"

Are you facing east or west
Or north or south?
When it gets cold outside
Do you get brought in
Or do you get left out?
Are you in the shade of something bigger
Or are you right out in the sun?
Are you down there in the trenches
Or at the top of the mountain?

Either way you better take your lemons
And make your lemonade
Life’s a rainy parade

Have you felt the longing in a seed?
Have you felt it swimming in its need?
Pushing through into the light
Then you know what I’m sayin’
When I’m sayin’ it’s gonna be alright

You just got to take your lemons
And make your lemonade
Have your rainy parade

Listen to the beating of the drum
Look at the smiles on everyone
Who says it’s better to be dry?
The mighty oak trees are so happy right now
They could cry

So you best better take your lemons
And make your lemonade

Have your rainy parade

                                          

I think it's the mix of good/bad, happy/sad at the thought of a rainy parade. It makes me think of when people ask, or when my therapist ask 'how are you?' I sort of feel bad cause I can never say, and truly mean it, that I'm good, or happy.  I usually respond with 'it's a bunch of things.'  And maybe you can never really be totally happy, and I guess the juxtaposition is that you're really never totally sad.

Are you facing east or west

T north or south?

When it gets cold outside

Do you get brought in

Or do you get left out?

Are you in the shade of something bigger

Or are you right out in the sun?

Are you down there in the trenches

Or at the top of the mountain?

Either way you better take your lemons

And make your lemonade

Life’s a rainy parade

Have you felt the longing in a seed?
Have you felt it swimming in its need?
Pushing through into the light
Then you know what I’m sayin’
When I’m sayin’ it’s gonna be alright

You just got to take your lemons
And make your lemonade
Have your rainy parade

Listen to the beating of the drum
Look at the smiles on everyone
Who says it’s better to be dry?
The mighty oak trees are so happy right now
They could cry

So you best better take your lemons
And make your lemonade
Have your rainy parade

I had my first FaceTime session with C, in fact it was my first FaceTime session ever.  I was very nervous but it went much better than I thought it would.  I thought there would be lots/too much silence, but other than the loss connection (she is in Mexico and service isn't that stable) it was ok.....well until the last 30 seconds.

I guess it could be called doorknob therapy, but it wasn't me that threw something in at the end, it was C. We're still talking a lot about L and past therapy relationships/experiences, and then also trying to lay some groundwork for what therapy with C will look like.

Anyway, she said right at the end 'That too much therapy is a concern that we need to talk about', then our time was up.

My first response was that she is concerned that I've been in therapy too long/too much.  That scared me, like she was getting ready to speed this up and get me out the door.  I thought of calling her right back or texting her but I know she's on vacation, and we haven't talked about the appropriateness of me calling/texting, so I'm gonna have to sit and wait, or more like stew.

On the other hand, she may be right, maybe I have been in therapy way too long, maybe I over think, and maybe I spend too much time on it?

Then it also occurred to me that maybe she meant that I am concerned about how long I've been in therapy? That sits a little better with me, but I certainly can't/wont convince myself that this is what she meant.

Crap, this will now roll around in my head for quite some time. I may bring it up to M tonight after I pick them up from the airport, but I don't think she'll be able to answer it either.  I'm hoping just telling her will make me feel better and less obsessive about it.

I sent L a text this morning

Me: How's your new job?
L: Good, paperwork is overwhelming but getting through it. How are you? Feeling more balanced I hope. Are you getting closer to be ready for a hike?
Me: I'm still a bit all over the place, but it's really good to hear from you. Talking with M and C is helping. C says it's grief and my reactions are 'normal'. Going for a hike, amongst other things is still on my list but given the weather maybe it will have to wait till spring.
L: understand but last week was in the 70's so if that's forecast again we would think about it.
Me: Last week was really good ice cream weather! Well if you find you're coming up to my neck of the woods let me know so we can figure it out.
L: Sounds like a plan

It felt good to connect with her. I was a little surprised that she brought up going for a hike, and maybe a little nervous. I don't want to push her away but I also don't want to rush something if I'm not ready.

I'm glad I broke the ice.

I miss her. I miss knowing she was in my life, a part of my life. It's still surreal.

I had a session with C this past Wednesday. Still too much silence at times, but she says that sometimes it's important to just sit with the pain, the grief. That's what C says it is, grief, a very painful and major loss. And as many times as I say it's crazy she tells me how normal what I'm feeling is. Her validation has helped.

I have been feeling so sad and hopeless. Afraid that I'll always feel this way. My reaction seems too extreme and a bit scary.

C told me that I will start feeling better, little by little. She says it's gonna take time though, and even then there will still be times where it will cut me at the knees. She says that's how grief works.

Much too my surprise I actually felt 'pretty good' on Friday. Maybe I was starting to feel better, bit by bit? My wife and I had a date night. I felt a little like my old self, sort of. Maybe I might find motivation again? I felt love and warmth being with my daughter, watching her walk into the playground, telling her how much I loved her and having her roll her roll her 9 year old eyes at me!

Saturday morning I drove my wife and daughter to the airport. They are going on a long planned trip to visit M's sister in New Mexico. It was a 2 1/2 trip into Boston to get to the airport. During that drive L came up in conversation. It triggered something. I asked more of what she and L talked about at the 'last session', more about L's health issues. Although heart issues run in L's family she was surprised by her heart attack. She is a runner and a swimmer, she had past the magical age of 50 over 6 years ago, so she thought she was somewhat in the clear. She was wrong.

My mind started to get lost. I wanted to reach out to L, text her. After dropping my family off at the airport I now got live in my head for the  2 1/2 hour ride back. Drive past the exit to L's office. The sadness came back. I miss her.

I got home and tried tried to distract myself . Damn Facebook. There she was, one of L's friends had tagged her in a pic. She had thrown a going away party for one of her friends.

Her life continued, and mine continued to spiral.

I've been wondering what my next steps are supposed to be. Is it to forgive L? Is it to figure out how she fits in my life now, if at all?

I feel a little lost. Like I don't know where I'm going and I need direction.

Maybe I'm just trying to fill up some hole?

How long do I continue therapy-for-therapy?