It's certainly better this time (although I'm not telling her that) but it's still hard. I don't feel like I'm under water and gasping for air, and I actually watched a movie the other day and stayed present. But if I do have free 'thought' time, like when I'm driving, or trying to fall asleep, or at work (still can't get my work motivation/drive back) I think about L. I think about our last session, our next session, our past sessions. I'm not sure, but I think I do this to maintain some sort of connection with her, and I can't figure out why.
She said, like she's always said that I can call or text her as much as I want. However my reactions are so predictable now. At first I promise myself not to contact her. I'm strong, I don't need it. And really, what is 'it', what do I get by texting her? Nothing tangible. But then halfway through the separation (yes, I consciously chose the word separation) I convince myself to send her something. And as usual, it was something sort of rambly. Certainly not as rambly as before, and trust me there have been some real crazy conversations with her while she was on vacation.
I've thought about asking her for a picture, but I don't think that would cut it. I was wondering about asking her to write some sort of support letter when she goes away. Something that I could hold and read, and reread to somehow 'feel' her presence. Although that sounds a little corny, and wee bit too needy. But I guess that's me.