Tuesday, February 22, 2011

When a Vacation is Not a Vacation

It's certainly better this time (although I'm not telling her that) but it's still hard. I don't feel like I'm under water and gasping for air, and I actually watched a movie the other day and stayed present.  But if I do have free 'thought' time, like when I'm driving, or trying to fall asleep, or at work (still can't get my work motivation/drive back) I think about L.  I think about our last session, our next session, our past sessions.  I'm not sure, but I think I do this to maintain some sort of connection with her, and I can't figure out why.

She said, like she's always said that I can call or text her as much as I want.  However my reactions are so predictable now.  At first I promise myself not to contact her.  I'm strong, I don't need it.  And really, what is 'it', what do I get by texting her?  Nothing tangible.  But then halfway through the separation (yes, I consciously chose the word separation) I convince myself to send her something.  And as usual, it was something sort of rambly.  Certainly not as rambly as before, and trust me there have been some real crazy conversations with her while she was on vacation. 

I've thought about asking her for a picture, but I don't think that would cut it.  I was wondering about asking her to write some sort of support letter when she goes away.  Something that I could hold and read, and reread to somehow 'feel' her presence.  Although that sounds a little corny, and wee bit too needy.  But I guess that's me.

1 comment:

  1. I am in the middle of a 'vacation' (we call it 'holiday'!) at the moment too. It sucks! In some ways I'm coping better than I ever used to. I am actually feeling the feelings, allowing myself to cry when I miss her, and thus staying more fully present in the interim but it is still very difficult. At times I feel very empty, and my memories are going fuzzy. I can't remember what she looks like or how her voice sounds. I want to hold on somehow, but can't.

    I think a support letter would be a great idea. I have a number of things to hold onto, a small bear she gave me a while ago, a picture I nabbed off the internet, and her last emails to me before she left. I think if a letter would help you it would be a great thing to suggest.

    I think connection is the key actually - needing and wanting the connection I think is normal, it is what we are wired for after all. I think my whole therapy journey has been about connection, wanting it, being afraid of it, trying to hold onto it. The bummer is that it can hurt to stay connected through a vacation.