Sunday, February 13, 2011

The Dance of Trust

Why would I not want to convince myself to trust someone?  Why would I purposely, consciously talk myself out of it?  L(my therapist) has been top notch, the initial, tangible issues that I had first come to her with have subsided, so I've defintely made progress.  I think she understands me.  So why do I feel like I want to pick a fight with her?  Why do I want to be angry with her? 

We have had some really good, deep conversations.  We have also had some more light conversations, like we had this week.  When we have those light conversations I leave there feeling alone, like 'I have all these other things roaming in my head, why did we talk about movies?'.  She says every session doesn't have to be the 'BellJar', but those are the times that I feel most connected.

She tells me I can text her as much as I want, and for the most part that has been really helpful.  Emails don't cut it, and I'm not good on the phone, so texting in between sessions has been pretty succesfull.  Sometimes we each respond quickly enough that it feels like a mini conversation, and other times it's just a place for me to put it out there and then I can let it go and continue with my life. So why don't I appreciate that?  Actually I do appreciate it immensly, but why isn't it enough?  Why doesn't it 'prove' to me that she cares?

Is that what it comes down to, my belief that she cares?  And if so, will I ever get there or will I fight it the whole way?  And if I'm supposed to trust my feelings, should I trust that they're right and I need to keep my guard up with her?  Crazy.


  1. It isn't enough yet, but it will be. At the moment you are fighting against everything you've ever learned in your past. You learned that it wasn't safe to trust, that 'being nice' didn't mean 'nasty' wasn't coming in the next minute, that the only way to be close is to be hurting or hurt. It takes time to unlearn these things and to see that she is different. Hang on in there.

  2. Thanks for all your support SS (is it ok to call you that?). This stuff is such a rollercoaster ride, and like a rollercoaster I love the thrill but I'm scared of falling off.

  3. It is definitely ok to call me that! :)

    I think a rollercoaster is a very good description, it makes a lot of sense and I can see both the attraction and the fear in the image.