What a silly question; of course I do! In fact I would love to make seven appointments for next week. Or maybe come and stay the weekend. Or how about me moving in, I'm sure you have a spare room, and I promise not to eat too much! But do you know what was sillier than the question?....the answer. Which was a resounding, unequivocal, absolutely, positively, 'NO'.
After lots of hits and misses over the past 10 days, I had my session this morning. Yesterday I was feeling guilty for being angry/hurt, I need to be more flexible, more forgiving. Because of the weather (which I still blame her for!) our Wednesday morning session, and our next-best-time option of Wednesday evening didn't work, so she offered a Friday morning session. But instead of appreciating her making time, I was just sort of pissy about it. So, yesterday I started feeling guilty and I sent her a quick text thanking her for making time for me. And about an hour later she sends me a response saying she's happy to make time for me. Wow, totally blown away but that, at least for a while...and then I start questioning her 'realness'. Man I am really crazy.
Another silly question, was I bothered by the weirdness and mis-connects this past week? Of course not, no issue here. I'm pretty sure she didn't believe that answer either
It's not silly or crazy. It's not surprising actually, especially when she has been both generous and at times let you down - you don't know whether to trust her or not, be angry or be glad ... it's difficult stuff. :(
ReplyDeleteWe have talked attachment till I'm blue in the face, and it has gotten better, way better. Unfortunately at times it still tends to feel like someone just punched me in the stomach, like I just got the wind taken knocked out of me.
ReplyDeleteand when do I stop reacting so strongly? Logically I know people are going to always let me down, that's called 'life'. But how much more will she have to do so I can trust her, so I know it's not about me, so I know that she cares? It's like she jumps through one hoop for me, but even after succesfully jumping through 10 hoops, as soon as she faulters I'm a freak all over again.
ReplyDeleteIt is hard to see when you are in the middle of it ('trust the process' becomes a frustrating reality) but there IS light at the end of the tunnel - it does get better. It takes time, and how much time is different for everyone but it does happen.
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