Just sent her a text letting her know that it makes sense for me to cancel next week.  I don't want to, but it's the day before thanksgiving, S, my daughter has off, I don't have any money, and we have to drive down the next day. It's sending me for a little bit of a loop. I am going to stay at a friends tonight and that is weighing on me too.  It's uncomfortable for me to be one-on-one with someone.  I was hoping to bring S, my daughter as a buffer for me but M really pushed for me to leave her at home, that I needed alone time with my friend.
It's like L is disappeared into the black hole now.

These are just random thoughts I've had compiled over a few days.....Sometimes it helps just to write things out.


Why did our testing exchange, which turned horrible, as it has on occasion, overwhelm me?  Like if this was somehow the end of our relationship then I would lose any interest in living.  Like the meaning would be gone.

Why does seeing her posts on Facebook with friends, and eek, even boyfriends overwhelm me as well?

Just when I start to think, and maybe even worry a bit that things are starting to be more 'normal' with L, I get thrown into this flurry of catastrophic thoughts, and I can't think of anything else.

How do I know that I should trust her?

Should I trust my logical side, my gut, my emotional side.....something else maybe?

Middle of the night thoughts: maybe there are more ways to see it? I feel like I'm fooling myself sometimes, and maybe you just tell me what 'therapeutically' i should hear? My life is better with you in it, and it scares the shit out of me to think you won't be, and it scares the shit out of me that it scares the shit out of me. Should I take that as a 'sign' that I need to back away?  I wonder if that's how abused women feel? Like they just can't leave that person? That hopefully they will love you back? I'm trying to think, hope, feel that I'm wrong about her not willing/wanting to see me at some reduced fee because she really only sees me for the money.  I never did outright ask her, so maybe I'm wrong.
And I'm not sure there's any correlation to the concerns/comments a few weeks ago regarding the lack of intensity, but I'm open to the possibility.
When she wrote that 'My feelings is texting is the easy way out and I would love to be able to discuss all of this with you in person' it seemed/felt that she was finally saying what she really felt, which was that she really did hate when I text, and that I'm a nuisance, I'm too much work, not worth it, even for the small amount of money
She never really says 'she's sorry', it's more like either a generic 'I'm not perfect, I make mistakes', or "I'm sorry if it made you feel that way'.
She says to ask questions, but it's also none of my business right?
Does she react certain ways because of role she's supposed to play, the job that she has? Does she say things to 'trick' me, to get me to believe that I can trust her?  Is it all calculated?  Is that even fair of me?  I pay her for a 'service' and when I get it I question it?  Man that is fucked.
Is that it?  All I really want to know is that she loves me?  And she doesn't, or she can't, or she won't? So I'm just banging my head against the wall.  And I'm just chasing my tail because if she doesn't respond it confirms by beliefs and if she does respond I don't believe her?  There isn't anything she could say or do because there's no way she could love me.
So last night I wondered if I could start looking at her like a therapist and not anything more?  Someone with whom I could remain aloof to but respect?

Sent her a text a few hours ago asking if we could meet next wednesday, which would be our normal time to meet.  It's just that I walked out of session yesterday and at that time I was hell bent on not going back.

She says I can tell her about my anger, she even said I could tell her she was being an 'asshole' about something, but in fact when I did ( I didn't call her an asshole I told her I felt her response to something sucked) she got mad, or atleast I felt she was mad. Although I do have to admit that I am a bit thin-skinned and feel people are often mad at me.

She just responded to my text and said 'yes' we could meet next Wednesday at the usual time.  Now I'm worried that she hates me and has had enough.  I'm afraid that maybe she thought that she was finally off the hook and I left.

If I didn't contact her, would she have? I still so worry about the abandonment thing.  I wish I could know that  there would be nearly nothing I could do.

I tried to tell M about what had gone on.  She had wanted to know since I got home Wednesday but I just shutdown.  In talking with her last night, at her insistence of course, I realized how stupid it all sounded.  I couldn't say out loud that I just wanted L to love me, and to know that all the time.  To be certain, always.  Instead sort of talking made me feel like more of a jerk.

I miss texting her.

Feeling pretty sad and starting to get overwhelmed, lost in my thoughts.  In sort of talking with M I realized, once again, how things can get so big in my head, my feelings don't seem proportional to the event, even just my understanding, which of course is tainted.

I haven't really exercised in a couple of weeks.  Some half-hearted starts and stops.  I think it's affecting me in many ways.  My sleep sucks, back to waking up and staying up.

I want her to love me unconditionally, I'm assuming I never really got that before, hence the need still exists?

when this happens again what do I do?

why do I idolize her? think her life is wonderful or perfect? similar to the way kids idolize their parents maybe?

Anger.  Why am I so angry? Afraid to express anger

I finally talked, really talked to M about what happened between L and other the other day. I really want to be a better person, for me, and for M, she totally deserves it.

I'm never sure whether my thoughts are real/valid. I can hear L right now saying 'that's why you need to talk it out, sort it out'

M and I had a really good conversation.  I told her everything.  It made me feel so much better, even though she stood up for L.  Told me how caring L is, she understood what L was saying about my texting, and agreed with her.

M says I'm angry alot.

I was trying to work up the nerve this morning to tell M something 'stupid'.  I was pretty certain she wouldn't think it was stupid, hence why I would tell her, but I just couldn't get myself there.

About a year or so ago I bought myself a charm that hangs from my car's rear view mirror.  It's kinda cool, it's a sun, that looks a bit like my one-and-only (currently) tattoo.  After that I bought M one, similar to mine but its of a peace sign.  It reminded me of her, always wanting 'peace' for people, especially people who are 'victims'.

Then about 8 months ago I was in this little country store and which carried the same kind of  charms, but with designs I hadn't seen before.  One in particular, it was a Fleur De Lis.  For reasons I won't go into I knew L would like it, or atleast I hoped she would.  I went back and forth about whether or not to buy it for it.  It wasn't a lot of money, but was it childish? was I being silly? I convinced myself that I would buy it but it didn't mean I actually had to give it to her (sometimes I have to take things in baby-steps).

Eventually I did give it to her, I don't remember the specifics of that day, although I'm sure I was nervous about it, and I'm also sure she received it perfectly.  No hesitation and much appreciation.

So fast forward to two weeks ago. I was having a particularly hard time deciding whether to go see L or not. She had just come back from vacation, which to make things even harder, was out of the country. You would think after seeing her for over 4 years I wouldn't go through the same push-pull every time, or at least not be surprised by it.  And although it's certainly not the 'same' push-pull as in previous times, it's still always hard. If you also factor in the two hour ride each way to see L, which gives me loads of time to run things over and over in my head, you'll see why I can really work myself into a tizzie before I even step into her office.

Still undecided about actually stepping foot into her office I pull into the parking lot and scan for her car.  If it's not there then it's a double win.  First I don't have to face her, and second I get to be mad at her for not showing up.  It's a two-for!! But it is there, and I must start the dead man's walk up to her office.  As I walk across the parking lot I look at her car again and I do my usual scan to see if the charm I had given her was still hanging from her mirror, like it has always been.  But this time I have to do a double, even triple take....it's not there.  I'm so caught off guard, I check to make sure it's her car, and then I'm frozen, what do I do?

The message was sort of cryptic, I guess I meant it to be, like I was testing her.  And of course she failed.  I think she's failed every 'test' I've thrown at her.
I wanted her to remember, I wanted it to mean as much to her as it had meant to me, reveling such an embarrassing reaction.
I sometimes wonder if going to therapy makes me worse.

It's a lovely rainy day here today and I'm just sort of sloughing.  I was supposed to see L today but she texted me yesterday and said she was sick. She said it wasn't anything serious but her doctors wanted to run some tests today.  Luckily ( I think) we were able to reschedule for tomorrow.  You see L has been away for about 4 weeks now.  She attended a conference that was out of the country, and while she was there she hiked a VERY major mountain.  I'm sure it was quite and adventure for her, I have seen some of the pics on Facebook, but I'm sure it was also very exhausting, so I guess it's not surprising that she's sick.  I just hope she's ok and it's not some crazy flesh-eating disease! Of course I go to the extreme.

The weeks she's been gone have been all over the place for me. I've missed her terribly, I've missed the option of texting her, I've hated her, I've been jealous of her, I've worried about her safety, I've been angry at her.  However, as horrible as all that sounds the anxiety that I typically feel when our schedule is interrupted wasn't as bad as it has been in the past. I'm sure that L would see that as progress, and I guess I sort of do too, but I've also toyed with the idea of not going back to see her.  I'm 99.9% sure I will go back, but as much as I've missed L I also hate the feelings that get dredged up by going to therapy.  Not to mention the 2 hour drive each way.

I hate the games, the push-pull, the longings, the jealousy, the abandonment , the confusion, the 'it's not a real relationship' feelings, the missing her, the overwhelming feelings for days after I leave a session.



And, really, if Robin Williams couldn't make it, who can?

Having trouble finding meaning lately, meaning in life.  I know that's probably at bit heady but it's where I'm at.  Maybe it's the significant losses lately.  First my mom in April, and then the sudden death of my 15 month old nephew in June. Or maybe cause I'm turning 49 in a few days. Or maybe it's cause L is away, out of the country, for 3 weeks. I just don't know.  Maybe it's all of the above, or maybe it's not.  Crap.

Everything feels so forced lately. although I guess I should be glad that atleast I still have the ability to make myself do things.  A former T once said to me "Sometimes you gotta fake it before you make it".  I'm not sure I really believe that (didn't really click with her) but I wonder if it's true right now for me.  I've been able to force myself back to running, although technically it may be more of a 'fast walk' than a 'run' right now, but I'm getting there. And I think the running has been helping my sleep.  I had been taking Ativan every night for a while now, but I've only taken it once this past week, and then was to get me through some anxiety about L leaving.

I've also been very mindful of being sure I spend time with my daughter and partner.  That too has been sort of forced, and sometimes I still cave in to 'going for a nap', but I've still been planning 'adventures' for us.  There's so much to do outside where we live now so I'm pushing us to go floating along a local river, driving up Mount Washington, stopping and climbing the rocks by a waterfall, kayaking, ziplining...etc.  I think it's helped my mood, but I wish it wasn't so hard.

I've even been playing the game of 'being thankful for all I have', but it still doesn't feel authentic to me.  I know I really do have so much to be grateful for, and I am, but it's still not enough to lift me from this funk, if in fact if really is a funk.

Once again it's been a long time since I've written.  I've wanted to, but I guess I've been at a loss for words, or maybe just afraid to write them down.  It's funny that I go into modes in which I don't do things that I know will make me feel better, like writing or exercising.  Hmmm, I wonder why that is.

Anywho, it's really been a horrendous, even unimaginable few months.

First my mom died at the end of April.  Although I did love my mom I was not particularly close to her, I guess I never was.  She had been sick for a while with Parkinson's disease, and of course other sordid ailments that go along with that disease and getting old.

 About a year ago we had to make the decision to put her into a nursing home.  I have 6 brothers and sisters and you can imagine that we all had different opinions about that.  For all the crap that families go thru, and we have had our share, I have to say that my brothers and sisters are all pretty caring people, but that doesn't always stop the ugliness, and towards the end of my mother's life it did get pretty ugly.

Most of the difficulty, atleast for me was making end-of-life decisions.  When or even if to call in hospice? Was she getting the best care at the nursing home? She developed a huge sore on her side, so big that you could see inside her, probably about the size of 3 golf balls. And even though I'm the second to youngest in my family, I was the healthcare proxy for both my mom and my dad.  As I stop and think about that right now I realize what a strange position I was in.

I was definitely not the closest to my mom, we had always had a sort of love-hate relationship.  One of my brothers and one of my sisters were very close, seeing her almost every day, and I believe they resented that I was the 'decision maker'.  Not that any decision was ever made in a vacuum, and trust me, we must have exchanged hundreds of text messages and emails in an effort to communicate as best we could to everyone.

But in the end I had the final say.  My mother was 85, she was not well and was only getting worse.  I made the call to bring in hospice, remove IV's that were injecting meds in her that were making her better, and worse all at the same time.  I directed them to give her 'care and comfort'. My mother was a very religious (Catholic) woman, but for all her strongly held beliefs I knew she was scared to die.

This is the first time I've written about my mother's death.  There's so much more to write, so much more to look at, and hopefully I'll come back to it. However it's not my mother's death that has prompted this entry, it is my nephews.

Isaac was 15 months old, he died just over 3 weeks ago.  It's not supposed to happen like this.  It's still so hard to wrap my head around it.

Isaac is actually my great-nephew, he was the son of my niece.

There's so much more to say......