Thursday, May 10, 2012

I finally get to see L tomorrow morning. I think it's been about 3 weeks since I last saw her. We've exchange a couple of short texts, and one sort-of smarmy text from me. I was pissed/ticked that with all the changes going on in my life that she hadn't checked in on me at all. At the same time I know how childish it was, but I did feel better after my childish rant. I'm trying not to expect too much from tomorrow, but I really need something from her, but I'm not sure how to describe it. I guess I'll just come out and say it.....I want to feel her love, her caring. I need to feel the realness of it, but I'm so afraid I won't. And I I won't because either I won't let myself feel/believe it, or it really just doesn't exist. I was thinking of texting her today to tell her that I'm looking forward to seeing her tomorrow,and I need her to be phenomenal, but I'm thinking that maybe too much pressure to put on her. Not to mention that if I tell her upfront the I'll question her sincerity......damn I'm crazy.
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5 comments:

  1. catherineMay 10, 2012 at 3:41 PM

    a few months ago i was feeling very angry/hurt by my therapist. i threw a tantrum. my best friend told me something i really, really needed to hear. she said "just because you had a crappy childhood doesn't mean you get to act like a child." so painful to hear. but so valuable. i hope you are able to balance your adult and child needs when you meet with her tomorrow. use your time wisely... share your neediness right away so you have lots of time to process it. good luck!

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    Replies
    1. EllenMay 10, 2012 at 5:30 PM

      I'd agree with sharing the neediness right away so it can be discussed. Or maybe not, if you have several sessions a week and they are longish? In my case, I have to get to things right away as there's a strict 50 minute hour, one session a week!

      I personally think tantrums are OK too though.

      Sorry I can only reply.

      Good luck tomorrow.

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  2. AmandaMay 13, 2012 at 12:39 AM

    I of course agree with the wise words above ... and have felt similar to you. I have felt the need to be cared for by my therapists - I think it's common for folks that have gone through similar situations. Therapists are wise, honest and caring - why on earth wouldn't be want to be loved by them?

    I hope your session went well ... did it?

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  3. catherineMay 13, 2012 at 11:25 PM

    i just read this, and learned so much about myself. maybe it will be helpful to you, too. how did it go?

    http://boundaryninjatales.wordpress.com/2012/04/16/learning-developemental-skills-identifying-and-expressing-needs/#more-416

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  4. NormalWasNotMyGoalMay 14, 2012 at 12:05 PM

    Thanks everyone. And OBD thank you for the link to AG's blog, I can almost always relate to what she writes, and retreading your link gave me the courage to text L this morning.

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