I think I need to learn to just accept, and specifically not judge, my thoughts and feelings.  Most of the time I really hate how I react, especially to L.  For instance, I sent her a text this morning, it was brief and not really in need of a reply.  I wrote "Still in a fog". It's now late in the afternoon and she hasn't replied and I feel myself getting angry with her, returning to the 'Fuck you's'.

Now logically I know that just because she hasn't responded to me doesn't mean she doesn't care, but my emotional reaction (or over reaction) gets a hold of me and I can't let it go.  And then I just start to spiral out of control and down the nasty hole of mistrust and anger.  Once again, in my head I know it isn't right, but it doesn't matter.

The next thing is that I try to flee from these feelings, and I can't.  I sometimes feel like I act like a person who's being attacked by a swarm of bees and I try and get away as fast as I can.  But the more I swat at them the angrier they respond.

So, for today, for right now I'm trying not to flee, I'm trying not to judge......

And the other thing I want to work on, need to work on, is accepting who she is, and isn't in my life.....

So I went today and I talked, sort of.  It look me awhile, lots of 'warm up' talking first.  Debated about just leaving. I was getting frustrated by everything she was trying.  Sarcasm at it's best.

Why do I keep fighting this? And at the same time I would love a chance to see her again this week.

I hate that there are boundaries around this/our relationship. Although I don't really need/want more from her.  Don't get me wrong I guess I wish we were friends, but only cause I like her and it just seems like what one would naturally do with someone they 'click' with, but that's not the part that eats at me.

I guess what gets to me is questioning that she really cares, cause if she cared she'd want to be my friend too?  Is that part of it?

She told me today that I can ask her anything I want, and she'll tell me.  But she won't just offer up anything, especially if she thinks I can't handle it or it's not good for me. I suppose if I were a rational person I would see that as caring. I do wonder what it's like to be rational, normal.......

I'm not sure what this stage of our therapeutic relationship is called. I'm still looking to, or feel more comfortable being angry with her. There is some delight in being able to be legitimately angry at her. Like a weird pleasure when she has screwed up. 

 Unfortunately I know she's also the 'perfect' therapist. Not because she doesn't make mistakes, no it's even worse (or better) than that.....when she makes them she owns up to them, and willingly validates what I usually call my  'crazy' reactions. 

She also lets me, in fact encourages me to text as much as I want and at any time of the night or day. Not that she always promptly replies, but I'm ok with that, I usually don't expect her to. She tells me she doesn't want me to sit with uncomfortable feelings if I don't have to.

She also almost always makes time for me. Because its now a 2 hour ride for me, each way, she often will meet me halfway at a coffee shop.

She lets me cancel without charging.

She sees me for at least 90 minutes, and has always supported my request for a second session during the week.

She discloses much about herself, appropriately and encourages me to ask anything I want.


But I'm finding myself continually questioning the realness or the authenticity of the relationship. I'm angry that I have to pay her to talk to me, or to care. Even though I know that's not true, sort of. But I still have a lot of 'fuck you' feelings towards her. Logically I suppose those feelings are really meant for my mother

I can't seem to reconcile, one way or another what this relationship is and is it good for me.  I've been going round and round with this for so long but I still can't find a place for it. I hate her, I love her. Push, pull.

Why can't I just willingly accept all she has offered, and continues to offer?
Why can't I just walk away?
Well will I find the gray?........before I turn gray??