I texted her after my session yesterday but I haven't heard back. It's bothering me, I keep checking my phone but nothing. This isn't the first time, especially when it's been a difficult session, and she has always had a valid reason or explanation for not getting back to me. But knowing although hasn't brought me total relief, although it also hasn't taken over total control either.

At the beginning of the summer I finally worked up the nerve to ask if we could go on a hike for one of our sessions. She had been spending time up in my neck of the woods so we had a couple of sessions near where I live and not in her office, which is nearly a two hour drive each way. Unfortunately due to circumstances beyond either of our control it never panned out. And now that summer is pretty much over and our schedules are a little more rigid she doesn't come up to her summer home as much.

This has been on my mind for quite some time.  I kept hoping she would bring it up cause I have been too scared to. It matters too much to me and I hate that it matters little to her. Those are my words and thoughts of course but the longer I ruminate about it the more I cement it as truth in my brain.

I really wanted to share the experience of a hike with her. And the top of this particular hike in the White Mountains has a spectacular view. In my head I had hoped to sit next to her when we reached the top and take in the beauty of it with her.

This though of sitting next to her made me also long to sit next to her in session, in her office. Her joining me on the couch. Boy, that sounds maybe a little lurid to write but I don't mean it that way. I mean it in the same way when I put my 9 year old to bed and she lays in the crook my arm. Although with L it would just be the physical proximity and not anything more than that.

In driving to her office yesterday, and during the week inbetween our last session I had thought about asking her to sit next to me.  It's funny how brave I am before T-day. How confident I am of my thoughts and feelings. But then I lose all sense of it and by the time I'm actually sitting in front of her. I can barely recall my intentions, never mind the feelings that were behind it.

It took me until about the 85th minute, of our normally 90 minute sessions to get most of th words. I had danced around it, I had pushed and pulled, I started and stopped, and finally at minute 89 I told her about wanting her to sit on the couch with me. It took a lot to get those words out. To tell her the lead-up-to-story of our failed plan of going on a hike, of what it meant to me. She finally got it. What happened next is sort of a blur to me.

Why hasn't she texted me back?

I've wanted to write for so long. Somehow thinking and hoping that putting it out there will help me make some sense of my thoughts. Or at the very least getting some relief. But for some reason I haven't made the time. Instead I have preferred the distraction of reading other blogs and forums.

So, without further ado, and in no particular order, here's some of,the crap that has been floating around in my head:

I turned 50 at the end of July. Ugh! I 'know' it's not really a big deal, and my life didn't change, but some of my thinking has. I'm technically old now, and being around college kids has reinforced that. Many of my staff call me Mom, which I do find endearing, but I'm very much aware that I am in fact older than most of their parents ! I'm also more aware of the brevity of life and how quickly it goes by. Did I say Ugh already!!

The death of my friend Michelle has been and still is hard. I still haven't wrapped my head around her being gone. When I go by the school playground, or go pickup my daughter she is quite often present with me. We had so many wonderful, and meaningful conversations there.

For nearly two months I have been extremely agitated. People and things that I normally would find some joy in have pissed me off!! Very stupid things. Like being on a vacation and a friend making me breakfast totally sent my head spinning! In fact I couldn't stand being around anyone. The only plus side was that I had time to get back to running during my vacation, and mostly cause I wanted to be alone.
I don't know how my wife has put up with me during this whole time. Actually she ticked me off because the first day into vacation she went and broke her ankle! And of course I had very little empathy for her, all I could do is be pissed at how it affected me. So selfish, I know. And it's weird, it's like I'm watching a movie.  I know how horrible I'm being, I'm very aware of the thoughts and frustrations that come into my head, but for the most part it didn't help contain or change my actions. It's like I knew I was being an asshole, but it didn't matter, the thoughts kept coming.

I had a non-relates follow up appointment with my primary care in the middle of all this and I sort of told her what was happening.  Maybe it's the start of menopause ? Maybe it's my meds? Who knows, so she recommended a psychiatric nurse practitioner . So I called and luckily she had a cancellation so I was able to see her within 2 weeks time. We talked about possible causes and avenues for resolution. Right now I'm coming off Prozac and going on Lexapro. It's only been a couple of weeks, yet it feels like an eternity, but it's too soon to tell if this alone will help.

Lots more to write, especially about therapy and the struggles with L, but it will have to wait.