Lots of anxiety this morning.  I thought I'd feel better, especially after exercising, but that's not the case.  The physical piece goes from the pit of my stomach all the way up my throat.

I know racing around this morning trying to get my daughter to school on time, while finishing her 100-day project, raised my anxiety level.  I have a 'thing' about being late and being rushed, so maybe that's what started it this morning?

Trying to keep myself physically occupied today, but I do have some things to do today that require my concentration, hopefully I won't screw them up too much.  It's just that my mind is racing, as is my heart, and it's gonna be a long day at the shop.

L and I have been having trouble getting our schedules in sync. Part of the problem is that I am nearly 2 hours away from her office (one way!!) and I own a retail business...oh, and we have a 7 year old! Normally we can find a time than works for us but every once in a while something happens to disrupt our appointment time, which can wreak havoc on my delicately balanced emotional state!!!!!  Ah, who doesn't love the nasty mix of attachment and transference???

By the time I hopefully see L next Friday, it will have been 4 weeks since we met.  My mind has had free range, and instead of blaming the missed sessions on logistics and the weather, sometimes (ok, quite often) I will wander down the ugly path of  'She hates me.....', 'She's not real.....', 'What she says is bullshit....', 'I'm too dependent....', 'I'm too needy....'.

Now for the most part texting has been pretty helpful.  Of course we've had our share of text-misunderstandings, and sometimes our texts actually never reach each other and stay out in text-outerspace, and yes, sometimes waiting for her reply is more painful than childbirth.  But I think overall it's worked pretty well for us (me).

So this week because of a snow storm I couldn't make the trip to her office.  We exchange a few texts trying to line up another appointment but to no avail.  As it was becoming more apparent to me that we would not meet again this week my anxiety level sky rocketed.  I even allowed myself to ask her if we could meet over the weekend, something we've never done before and I wasn't sure if it was ok to walk that boundary line.

Unfortunately her replying that she couldn't meet over the weekend since my crazy thoughts a runnin'! Did I ask for something I shouldn't have?  Does she think I'm way to needy?  Who am I to ask to cut into her personal time?  Is she appalled that I would even suggest a thing? Oh, so I'm not important enough to
make time in her real life? I really am just paying for a service, not a real relationship?

Eventually she suggests a time next week that I think I can meet, so the texting confessions begin:

Me: Gonna try and make the 14th at 10 work.  Been feeling all over the place lately and as much as I hate to admit it, I'm assuming it's because of not getting to see you (gulp!) it's just hard not to be angry and stay living in my head.

8 long hours go by before she reponds:

L: You can miss me that is ok just text me or call me any time.  Today  I had classes all day so I just got home sorry for not for not getting back to you sooner.

After sleeping (sort of) and processing her response over night, I reply with:

Me: Thanks, I guess I gotta stop fighting it, it's just I start making up crazy stories in my head.  I miss the connection (gulp!)

L: Me too. Don't start making up crazy stories and if you do share them with me.

Me: The thought of sharing my crazy stories with you is probably crazier than the stories themselves? But I'll try, thanks

L: Trying sounds good.

Someday I hope to look back on all these exchanges and laugh at how crazy I am (I was?).........someday.

Back at this all too familiar place, and the reasons for being here are the same as usual.  I haven't seen L in a couple of weeks and I won't see her until next Friday.  I feel angry, abandoned, alone, afraid......and that's just the a's!!

Of course none of it makes sense, and she's not real anyway.  If she really cared she would have made time,she would have found time. She would meet me halfway.  She would meet me on the weekend.

It's like one big temper tantrum, I know.

I know, I know....attachment issues, I didn't get what I needed as a kid, so I act out now......

I have a wonderful life, a very supportive wife, an amazing child......

Just can't seem to rationalize myself out of this.....blah blah blah