I don't have much time to write today, but I really want to at least get some of it out. C, my T has asked on a couple of different occasions, at the start of our sessions, 'what does it feel like coming here for therapy'. I typically give a short, smart ass, deflective-type answer. But last night and thinking more today I want to give her a much different response next time, or at least that's how I feel right now.

I want to tell her that yes, it's very different but maybe what I really need right now. Maybe I do need the silences, maybe I do need to just tell, and feel my story. I miss my relationship with L but maybe it wasn't really, or totally therapy. Or maybe it was therapy, sort of, but I need something different now. I really do like my new therapist C, but right now, at this very moment it seems like I may be getting really good 'therapy' right now.

I know there's a lot more, but it's a start.

Went to see/exprience Ani DiFranco for the first time the other night. I have always liked her, she is such a powerhouse wrapped up in such a petite frame. As with most good artists her writings continue to morph as her life changes. In preparation for her concert I had been listening to her new album(funny I still refer to it as an album) Allergic to Water, and one song in particular has really grabbed a hold of me 'Rainy Parade'.

                                              "Rainy Parade"

Are you facing east or west
Or north or south?
When it gets cold outside
Do you get brought in
Or do you get left out?
Are you in the shade of something bigger
Or are you right out in the sun?
Are you down there in the trenches
Or at the top of the mountain?

Either way you better take your lemons
And make your lemonade
Life’s a rainy parade

Have you felt the longing in a seed?
Have you felt it swimming in its need?
Pushing through into the light
Then you know what I’m sayin’
When I’m sayin’ it’s gonna be alright

You just got to take your lemons
And make your lemonade
Have your rainy parade

Listen to the beating of the drum
Look at the smiles on everyone
Who says it’s better to be dry?
The mighty oak trees are so happy right now
They could cry

So you best better take your lemons
And make your lemonade

Have your rainy parade

                                          

I think it's the mix of good/bad, happy/sad at the thought of a rainy parade. It makes me think of when people ask, or when my therapist ask 'how are you?' I sort of feel bad cause I can never say, and truly mean it, that I'm good, or happy.  I usually respond with 'it's a bunch of things.'  And maybe you can never really be totally happy, and I guess the juxtaposition is that you're really never totally sad.

Are you facing east or west

T north or south?

When it gets cold outside

Do you get brought in

Or do you get left out?

Are you in the shade of something bigger

Or are you right out in the sun?

Are you down there in the trenches

Or at the top of the mountain?

Either way you better take your lemons

And make your lemonade

Life’s a rainy parade

Have you felt the longing in a seed?
Have you felt it swimming in its need?
Pushing through into the light
Then you know what I’m sayin’
When I’m sayin’ it’s gonna be alright

You just got to take your lemons
And make your lemonade
Have your rainy parade

Listen to the beating of the drum
Look at the smiles on everyone
Who says it’s better to be dry?
The mighty oak trees are so happy right now
They could cry

So you best better take your lemons
And make your lemonade
Have your rainy parade

I had my first FaceTime session with C, in fact it was my first FaceTime session ever.  I was very nervous but it went much better than I thought it would.  I thought there would be lots/too much silence, but other than the loss connection (she is in Mexico and service isn't that stable) it was ok.....well until the last 30 seconds.

I guess it could be called doorknob therapy, but it wasn't me that threw something in at the end, it was C. We're still talking a lot about L and past therapy relationships/experiences, and then also trying to lay some groundwork for what therapy with C will look like.

Anyway, she said right at the end 'That too much therapy is a concern that we need to talk about', then our time was up.

My first response was that she is concerned that I've been in therapy too long/too much.  That scared me, like she was getting ready to speed this up and get me out the door.  I thought of calling her right back or texting her but I know she's on vacation, and we haven't talked about the appropriateness of me calling/texting, so I'm gonna have to sit and wait, or more like stew.

On the other hand, she may be right, maybe I have been in therapy way too long, maybe I over think, and maybe I spend too much time on it?

Then it also occurred to me that maybe she meant that I am concerned about how long I've been in therapy? That sits a little better with me, but I certainly can't/wont convince myself that this is what she meant.

Crap, this will now roll around in my head for quite some time. I may bring it up to M tonight after I pick them up from the airport, but I don't think she'll be able to answer it either.  I'm hoping just telling her will make me feel better and less obsessive about it.

I sent L a text this morning

Me: How's your new job?
L: Good, paperwork is overwhelming but getting through it. How are you? Feeling more balanced I hope. Are you getting closer to be ready for a hike?
Me: I'm still a bit all over the place, but it's really good to hear from you. Talking with M and C is helping. C says it's grief and my reactions are 'normal'. Going for a hike, amongst other things is still on my list but given the weather maybe it will have to wait till spring.
L: understand but last week was in the 70's so if that's forecast again we would think about it.
Me: Last week was really good ice cream weather! Well if you find you're coming up to my neck of the woods let me know so we can figure it out.
L: Sounds like a plan

It felt good to connect with her. I was a little surprised that she brought up going for a hike, and maybe a little nervous. I don't want to push her away but I also don't want to rush something if I'm not ready.

I'm glad I broke the ice.

I miss her. I miss knowing she was in my life, a part of my life. It's still surreal.

I had a session with C this past Wednesday. Still too much silence at times, but she says that sometimes it's important to just sit with the pain, the grief. That's what C says it is, grief, a very painful and major loss. And as many times as I say it's crazy she tells me how normal what I'm feeling is. Her validation has helped.

I have been feeling so sad and hopeless. Afraid that I'll always feel this way. My reaction seems too extreme and a bit scary.

C told me that I will start feeling better, little by little. She says it's gonna take time though, and even then there will still be times where it will cut me at the knees. She says that's how grief works.

Much too my surprise I actually felt 'pretty good' on Friday. Maybe I was starting to feel better, bit by bit? My wife and I had a date night. I felt a little like my old self, sort of. Maybe I might find motivation again? I felt love and warmth being with my daughter, watching her walk into the playground, telling her how much I loved her and having her roll her roll her 9 year old eyes at me!

Saturday morning I drove my wife and daughter to the airport. They are going on a long planned trip to visit M's sister in New Mexico. It was a 2 1/2 trip into Boston to get to the airport. During that drive L came up in conversation. It triggered something. I asked more of what she and L talked about at the 'last session', more about L's health issues. Although heart issues run in L's family she was surprised by her heart attack. She is a runner and a swimmer, she had past the magical age of 50 over 6 years ago, so she thought she was somewhat in the clear. She was wrong.

My mind started to get lost. I wanted to reach out to L, text her. After dropping my family off at the airport I now got live in my head for the  2 1/2 hour ride back. Drive past the exit to L's office. The sadness came back. I miss her.

I got home and tried tried to distract myself . Damn Facebook. There she was, one of L's friends had tagged her in a pic. She had thrown a going away party for one of her friends.

Her life continued, and mine continued to spiral.

I've been wondering what my next steps are supposed to be. Is it to forgive L? Is it to figure out how she fits in my life now, if at all?

I feel a little lost. Like I don't know where I'm going and I need direction.

Maybe I'm just trying to fill up some hole?

How long do I continue therapy-for-therapy?

I didn't go in.,   There were a lot of things playing in my head on the way down, and the more I drove the deeper I retreated.  My wife knew.  I had told her earlier that I was too angry at L.  I told M that I didn't think I could handle another letdown from L. And I also told her that I was sure that I didn't matter much to L or should would have planned this out better, and considered my feelings more.

Needless to say it was a long two hour drive down.  I didn't say a word, I just seethed.  M tried to fill the dead air with conversation but it really didn't alleviate any of the crap that was floating around.

When we finally got there M asked if I was going in.  I told her I couldn't decide, I was so torn. I sort of wanted to but I wouldn't let myself.  In thinking about it later on I admitted to myself that I just wanted to inflict some pain on L.  I wanted her to feel the anguish I felt. I wanted her to worry about me. Of course I know that never happened.  And I also knew I was replaying a common occurrence with my mother.

I sat outside.  First in the car, then I paced outside for a while.  Certainly hoping the entire time that L would come down and talk with me.  I sat on some stairs, across from the door, waiting. I knew I was testing her, and I also knew that she always failed my tests.  She failed, but I lost.

An hour later M emerged from the front door, for a second my heart had hoped that L was behind her, but I knew.

L never came down.

I was furious and crushed all at the same time.  Of course I didn't have any right to be.  I paused, thinking I should go up, but then quickly drove out of the parking lot, didn't want to give myself any time to think it over. I even stopped one more time about 1/4 mile up, but then sped off.

I started to choke up and cry.  I starting bamboozling M with questions, including why didn't L come down.  Which she correctly stated that I told her that I didn't want to talk to L.  The anger continued to rise, I could physically feel it starting in my gut and working it's way up.  I spewed all kinds of nasty, twisted things about L to M, she just let me rant.  Then M foolishly tried to understand what was going for me.  Where did all this anger come from?  She said she figured I was feeling abandoned, but L would still be around she stated, I could still see her, and not pay for it(M's words)!

And you know what happened next? I let my vulnerability come thru.  I was able to explain the loss I was feeling.  The love I had for L and how much pain I was in.  It took a bit.  I even told M that I knew that I had made much progress with L, and part of the reason was the closeness and connectedness that we shared.

I have worked with many other therapist with no real movement, but I also never experienced the same type of relationship.  I am at a different place than when I first started with L.  Unfortunately her leaving also caused me deep, gut wrenching pain. It's like two sides of the same coin. M truly got that, and me.

Since that conversation last night I have thanked M numerous times.  Thanked her for letting me rant, thanked her for trying to understand what I was going through, and thanked her for letting me feel that closeness with her again.

I texted L this morning:

Me: I'm sure I'll come around...but it really does suck to feel like I'm chasing someone

L: Really sorry you didn't come in last night missed you.  I look forward to you getting more balanced with this.

I'm mostly ok with her response, although I really didn't like 'you getting more balanced', like this is all self inflicted and her hands are clean.....still more angry crap for me to figure out.  I haven't let it ruin my day completely, but I know I've got more to go.