Randomness....is that a word?

It was a good session, not too many silences.  I talked but I guess I didn't go deep enough, didn't connect on the level that makes me feel 'full'.  I can hear her in my head 'say more'. The thing is I'm not sure how to accurately describe this feeling.  Maybe it's like the difference between an appetizer...that you split with 8 people (hmm, or maybe 7 kids) and a really good satisfying meal? Maybe it's me being able to reveal more of myself? Maybe it's being able to calm my mind and share the quiet things?
How do I slow down my mind?  It's like it almost goes black and I can only recollect more superficial stuff, just filler.
This is one of the reasons I reached out to her last week and asked for more time.  The not-connecting leaves me floating, and anxious, alone in my head.


Maybe I should tell her about my reading therapy-related blogs/forums.  Although I have talked to her a bit about some of the therapy-related books I've read.

Got high. Again

This
https://lifeinabind.com/2015/04/18/being-excluded-from-your-therapists-life-youve-read-the-reasons-this-is-how-it-feels/

How hard it is/was deciding, or not deciding to send celia the link above.  Or the thought of sharing/or not, my journal with her. Some sort of anger associated with not sharing.




Was I excluded from my mothers life?

What I think about or write about when I'm alone.

Melinda and I.


So just the trying to figure out whether or not to send Celia that link was anxiety provoking.  But when I finally did my usual 'just rip the band-aid off' approach, then it was the waiting for her response that started me spinning.  Usually when I find the guts to send something I find relief, just getting it out there and off my mind.  And this time it did help as well, but Celia usually responds pretty quickly, within an hour or two, and that didn't happen.  And the longer the day went on without a response the further I slid into anxiety and crazy beliefs.  'I'm bothering her.  She doesn't have time to read such a long blog. Out of sight, out of mind (for both of us). What was I thinking, she's not gonna read this, maybe during our session but not during her own time.'
Maybe the wait was so bothersome because I left on Wednesday without feeling a deep connection, and now I wouldn't get the opportunity for another week.  And what is that about?  How pathetic to have such a need, and one that's hard to understand and even harder to explain.
We took Sam to a movie as a treat before she leaves for a week.  I don't even remember it.  I was so consumed with thought.  I kept checking my phone over and over, but nothing.  My logical mind trying to soothing my spiraling emotions.  'There are lots of reasons she has not responded, it doesn't mean anything other than she will when she can.' Unfortunately nothing really helped.  Crazy.
I finally turned the sound off on my phone.  The incessant waiting to hear the 'ding' of the text notification was driving me crazy.  I knew I would sleep with one eye open, just listening, if I didn't turn it off.  She did respond a little after midnight, I didn't notice the vibration of the phone.  But I did wake up every hour with worry.  'Maybe I crossed some line.  Maybe something happened to her.  Maybe she was perturbed that I send such a long blog to read.  Maybe after reading the blog she really did think I was crazy, and maybe even dangerous in a psychotic kind of way.'
We finally exchanged some texts this morning. I was hoping, although I didn't ask, she would offer a skype session for Monday.  She didn't.  Logically I know she's busy and it probably isn't a reflection of her want or willingness to skype with me, but it was still a let down. She asked me to write down what I was feeling and then send it to her.  Not sure yet.
Do I try to put some distance between us, between me and my thoughts, between Celia and myself?  Maybe as the weekend goes on the craving will lessen?

Why can't I send it to her?  I want to,  I want to keep the line of connection open, but I just can't seem to do it

We've sort of decided that I will start seeing Celia twice a week.  I truly like that idea although I'm certainly afraid of becoming too attached, too needy.

We talked a bit about me reading her my blog, and/or her reading my blog. I think I would like to let her.  I think I'm afraid that I would be ashamed by her knowing me more.  Maybe the writings aren't even that impressive, maybe she'll find them sophomoric, rambly, not of any value.

About 2 hours after I left I started to become anxious.  I think maybe it had to do with either because I only had a 50 minute session or I was only gonna have a 50 minute when I go on Wednesday. However in reality Celia said I could decide on Wednesday whether I wanted a 50 minute or my usual 90 minute session,  So why the anxiety?  I tried to tell myself that my anxiety was not grounded in reality.  But maybe it was/is the uncertainty?

I didn't walk a way with a regret.  I texted her for an extra session and she had time today.  I talked.  It went well.  She's good. and I'm good.

She asked me how did it feel coming back to therapy.  She'd only been gone for 2 weeks, so 3 weeks before we would meet again...but who's counting?  I said I have to take the rentry slow.  It's like I gotta get used to the atmosphere and the air again.

I had forgotten about what happened with her and the schedule, or the schedule-that-never-was.  I forget what Celia had asked me today, but something triggered a reminder of one of the things that was gnawing at me while she was gone.

A week into her far away vacation we were schedule to Skype for a 50 minute session.  We did, and it was fine.  Towards the end of Skyping she asked if I wanted to see her for a session 2 days earlier than my 'normal' day, when she gets back.  I said I wasn't 100% sure but I was mostly sure I could. She said she didn't have her book with her but when she did she would confirm the actual time and send me a text message.

Well I waited, and waited, and waited some more.  No text. Then I started to think that I had misunderstood her.  But I didn't want to be the one to check, like I used to/do with Li.  I wanted her to remember me. The new day/time came closer and still no text. I got more and more agitated and distracted and preoccupied with it.  Finally Monday at 1 had arrived...and then passed by.

She had forgotten me.  But it didn't kill me.  Nope, instead after a bit of being pissed off, and a bit moody for a while, I moved on.  It hurt, but it didn't crush me.  I'm always fearful of that, of being crushed by what I feel and think.


Boy I wish I could say this stuff in person, it's a pain to type this all up.  But it doesn't come to me when I 'm in her office. Maybe if I picked just one thing to tell her, and tried to relax , maybe I could tell her.  Maybe I could tell her what I wrote up there.  It would be quicker than me typing out, atleast in theory.

She didn't tell me.  Or rather, she forgot to tell me.  She's going away.  For 2 weeks.  To South Africa.

It definitely bothered me, but not as bad as I would have thought it would.  Maybe it was the look on her face when she realized it. Nearly horrified at herself, and really concerned for me.  She apologized profusely.

I needed to let it sink in before I could really discuss it with her.  However I've been in a sort of low place lately.  Not fully participating in things, just watching from the perimeter.  I've had to force myself to do things, trying to get myself out of this mood but it's hard.  So I was very quiet  after her telling me about her vacation.

There was a lot of push-pull at this session.  Much more palpable than usual.  I think a couple times I may have intended to leave, luckily I thought staying was a much better option, and so I did, with her quiet encouragement.

In the end I talked, not at great lengths, but I think enough to feel better.



I miss Li.  But I think in reality I miss what I thought we had. I wonder why she played me.  Or like I told Celia I wonder if it was 'professional manipulation'.  She told me what she thought I should hear to get better, to form a close relationship with her.  But it was fake, she never really meant it.

So why do I get myself into such a tangled mess.  In reality the service that you offer is to be a blank slate and I'm wanting you to be something more, or to give more of who you are.  But that's not what you're offering and not fair or reasonable of me to expect more.

Maybe I can't do therapy in a healthy way, in a way that's beneficial for me.  I get to engrossed.

I'm glad it's Wednesday and I see Celia today.  Although I do hate this living from session-to-session. It's nothing new of course, it happened with Claire and with Li, it's just so frustrating, and crazy-making.  I mean who pays someone to frustrate them?  She texted me on Monday to tell me she was coming into the shop.  Of course I like getting a text from her, but I don't think it's necessary.

I'm finally acknowledging, to myself, that I've been very anxious at the shop lately.  Yesterday I noticed before I even got there I was getting worked up.  I think it's mostly when I know I'm gonna be alone for a while.  Luckily the busy season is really kicking in and I can have staff come in a lot earlier than before and that eases things internally.