Well I caved, I gave in, I failed.  I texted L.

I think I wish there was a way to take it back, but maybe there's some comfort in knowing I can't.  No takesies backsies, no do overs, no mulligans.

I know it had been coming on for a while.  She has started to creep back in my head.  It scares me.  I thought I was better.  Maybe I was just in denial?

I found myself looking through all our texts last night.  I felt the pangs of missing her, of missing the connection.  Or was there really ever a connection? Would it matter if only I felt it?

I went back and forth in my head for a while, then I pulled the death card.  What if she died tomorrow, would I regret not reaching out to her?

I kept it simple:

Me: still miss you, a lot

She hasn't replied.  Trying not to drive myself crazy with that thought.  Trying to keep myself busy today.

I've been thinking about what I would like to say to, or hear from L if we were to meet, or if I wrote her a letter. So in an effort to get some of my thoughts down I thought I'd start here:

- Want her to really take in how she hurt me, how she let me down.  I want her to own it, be sorry for it.  I want her to feel my pain.
- She always said that the other shoe would never drop with her.
- She told me that she 'adopted' me
- I loved you, and I still do, but I'm confused
- I feel like you lied to me...maybe.  I don't want to believe that but I don't know how to believe otherwise
- I don't want to, or even think I can go back to you ever being my therapist, but I don't see how 'friend' would work either.  I would like you to continue to be important to me, and of course I wish, but am not sure it's possible for me to be important to you.
- I miss texting you
- I want/need you to be open and honest with me and I need to believe you.
- I miss you
- I deeply miss our hugs
- I wonder if I'll continue to keep C at bay. And if I do is part of it because of what happened with you? Or am I just not capable of having the same kind of relationship? Maybe my maternal emptiness and quest to fill it just can't and shouldn't happen?
- why did you say and do those things? Allow me and even encourage me to have a strong attachment to you. Sort of 'adopt' me. I know it was said in fun but I took it to heart.

L texted me last night.

L: Hi, I hope you had a wonderful holidays.  Thinking of you.  L

After a little thought, I wrote:

Me: Yes, it was good, just a little busy though.  Kinda glad it's over.

It didn't keep me awake last night, but I'm not sure how, or what I feel.  So many things, yet trying to push it all away, like it doesn't affect me.

I've been wondering still why L (ex T) has contacted me.  I haven't been obsessed with it, but I guess just trying to understand. The one thought that occurred to me is that she's keeping her distance because she still plans on continuing/reopening her practice.  She mentioned it during our last session and said that she was hoping her new job would let her see clients.  And if that's true it still sucks and to me, doesn't excuse her from pulling back from me, but I guess I could see some logic in sort of keeping boundaries in place.

Then I started to wonder 'would I actually go back to seeing her as a therapist', and I'm pretty sure the answer would be 'No'.

First, but not most important, logistically C, my new therapist wins hands down!  She is literally right across the street from my shop.  I was worried that her being that close would bother me, would just transfer, or start up obsessional thoughts towards her. But that hasn't happened....although that may not be entirely true, just recently, after starting to write this entry, a few thoughts have popped into my head.  Sigh.....

Second, I feel better with C.  I mean I feel like we 'do' therapy, and it's intense, and she's thoughtful, but after I leave my 90 minute session, the life isn't sucked out of me and I can function.  It's not that it doesn't give me things to think about, but I am not totally lost in thought and immersed in therapy.  I haven't had a therapy hangover....yet.

It still makes me sad.  I mean I'm not in the fetal position drooling kind of sad, but I wonder why she hasn't reached out to me. Why was she so supportive and pretty available before, but not now?  I can't imagine it was money, but maybe it's 'professionalism'?

I do pretty much like my new therapist C. I am different with her, atleast at the moment.  I'm open with many of my crazy thoughts but I don't expect so much from her as I did with L.  Maybe it's just too soon.

I foolishly have been reading some of my old journals.  I was in such pain for so long.  Today I read a little about my first few sessions with L.  I was pretty much attached to her from the start, and I knew it.

I'm not sure if I'm consciously keeping C at bay or is it just growth on my part, not needing to attach to her as desperately as I did with L.

Part of me misses the intensity, I think

I wonder if I'll ever stop wonderingly? Will she actually ever reach out to me? Will we ever go on that hike? Will we ever meet for coffee and catch up? Or will we just be friends in name only? And if so will I be ok with that? Ya know, take the high road and simply appreciate what we head, a client-therapist relationship?

When I say somewhat-snarky, sarcastic comments about L my wife tells me, in her own loving-snarky way that I'm being too hard on L.  She's probably right, and I try and remember that her life has changed considerabley and she's probably swamped, and maybe overwhelmed and she just needs some time. And that helps....a little.

I'm actually still doing ok. Yes I'm still sad, and angry, and hurt by what happened with L, but I'm ok. I'm assuming it has a lot to do with the Abilify that I've been taking for a few weeks now, but even before taking it I wasn't as incapacitated as I always imagined I would be.

This is a little weird. I mean not totally crazy but i am trying to figure out how it sits with me.

At our last session, which was another good one, and I have to say I don't leave feeling so anxious as I would often with L...not that I'm comparing of course..but anyway. We were talking about my family and I was giving her history about each of them and how abuse, whether it be sexual or drug/alcohol had affected them.

Somehow we got to politics and I said who I was supporting for president, she then told me that she was supporting the same candidate. I let her know that our candidate would also be at the college in town on Saturday, she seemed very excited about that news. We then bantered for a few minutes about the other candidates. She then jokingly said that 'I can't talk politics' and we continued our more therapeutic conversation.

The next day the local campaign coordinator let me know that the candidate would be making a surprise appearance before his speech at the college campus. The coordinator knew I couldn't make the speech so he wanted to give me a heads up so maybe I could make the surprise location. Unfortunately I couldn't make either event, but I figured C would love to get a chance to meet the candidate, so I sent her is text:

Me: You didn't hear this from me, and we're not talking politics, but if you want to see Bernie and you can't get on to campus, I have it on good authority that he'll be at the town tree lighting between 4:30-5:00 today.

C: 😀

I was comfortable sending her the text, and her response. I didn't really think much of it other than wishing I could be there too, maybe run into C there so I could introduce her to my wife and child.

Later that day I get a text from C

C: Thank you
    And then she attached a pic of her and Bernie


That thru me for a little bit of a loop. I responded back later and told her I was jealous, which I wa, but just a little bit.

But I think what really thru me is now having a picture of her, that she sent.

Are we becoming too friendly? Is that ok?