Maybe I was in denial.  She did said that she was leaving in November, but I guess to me that was still pretty open ended, no definitive date.  So when I went to see L yesterday, in a fairly decent mood, ready to, and wanting to talk about what our relationship would look like going forward, I was knocked on my ass when she said today was to be our last session.  Feels 'dead' to even write that.

I thought my anger had subsided over the past two weeks.  I thought I was in a better place.  Not 'the' place, not a great or even good place, but certainly better. What a fool I was/am.  It all came bubbling back up.

It took me a bit to get the words out.  'I didn't know today was our last day'.  She said 'Oh, did you need more time?  What else did you want to say? Do you need some sort of cushion?'.  Those things continued to piss me off.  Feeling like I am now an inconvenience.  My usefulness is gone.

So angry.  It's been nearly 5 years and I'm supposed to wrap this up in 3 weeks.  Fuck you.  Fuck her.

If someone had told you they had cancer and were dying and 3 weeks later they did wouldn't you say 'Man that was fast'? I know that's overly dramatic, but really 'a cushion'?  Fuck you.  Why the rush?

I guess lucky for me, I have 90 minute sessions (or should I say 'had'), which gave me some time to stew for a bit, shut down, play her words over and over again in my head, until I was finally willing to spew out some sarcastic crap (oh, I'm so mature).  And then I switched to some easier stuff, recent stories about my kid, a new business adventure that I'm kicking around...etc.

Then I finally got around to asking what our relationship would now look like.

She said that it was up to us to figure that out, and really whatever I'm comfortable with.  It won't be a typical friendship, sort of, and it certainly wouldn't be therapy.  But it's up to us to figure this out. Writing this out right now it sort of taking some of my anger away.  Weird, but honestly I don't want the anger gone yet.

I told her that maybe I'm being delusional thinking she would still be in my life.  She said she really wants to be.  She wants me to continue to text her with stuff, she wants me to let her know what's going on, how my family is, how the shop is doing...etc.  Meet occasionally for coffee or lunch, go on the hike we talked about....etc.

She told me this story about a clinical supervisor that she had in college, and then when she got into the real world she was able to continue to receive paid supervision from this women.  She played a large role in L's life and they continued on with a friendship for years.  Meeting for lunch, exchanging emails...etc.  Unfortunately this woman died, but her 'friendship' meant a lot to L.  She imagined that maybe we would have something similar.

She has said things in the past that never happened.  I think she always means well, although sometimes I think she says them just to be nice or pacify me.  And I know that I take most things to heart, and maybe pick about her words.  Or maybe she just wants me to followup on things she has offered.

I don't know, it's all crazy making.

And I actually will see her officially one more time.  My wife and I saw L for couples counseling briefly a year or so ago.  My wife has also met L, with me there, to talk about me and what had been going on and how she could be of help.

Anyway, my wife has asked if we could meet with L one last time so she could get some closure, and also, once again, to talk about how she could help me during this time. So we will go tomorrow night.

Definitely mixed feelings about it....so what else is new??

I guess I'm doing better, or at least not bad, considering. It's strange but part of me doesn't want to be better. I wonder why. Maybe it's just the fear of losing her, and if I don't feel strongly, or constantly about what's going on then she's gone.

Surprisingly I was able to start working with another therapist, someone so close that her office is literally across the street from my shop. I actually didn't want to see someone in the same town or even adjoining towns. But when I came across this woman's name on the list it was comforting because it was someone I knew in passing, as she is a customer of ours, and I've always liked our quick chats and gotten a good vibe from her.

I'm still all over the place. Pretty much sad all the time, like an undercurrent that's always there. It's not a depression like side though, it's definitely a loss-type feeling. I haven't cried so much in such a long time. Not even for my father's death, my mother's death, or even my 15 month old nephew's death. My wife is very worried about me. This news has taken us both by surprise. I'm trying to be conscious about not crawling inside myself, but old habits are very hard to resist.

I've texted L a few times since, but I haven't found any relief with our exchanges. She hasn't been consistent with her responses, even taken up to 2 days to respond, even though she told me she was around and welcomed my texts. I try to be an adult and understand that she has a lot going on, including moving to her newly renovated home, but it still hurts. I wonder if her lack of response is maybe due to her health, maybe another heart attack? Then I think she just wants to shut me out, she doesn't want to, or can't handle my anger.

It really sucks that I can no longer fool myself, I never meant anything to her. We kidded once about her adopting me, I know it was said in jest, but there is/was a part of me that hung in to that.

I keep replaying in my head how she told me. I wasn't there more than 5 minutes. We started with the basic nicities, and then she looked at me and said she had to tell me something that she knew I wouldn't like. She had accepted another position.

Everything stopped. My world stopped. My mind actually went black. It was like standing in a small room and someone shut off the lights, *click*, and then total blackness. Not even a fade to black, it was immediate. Nothing good was ever going to happen again.

L told me today that she has taken another position, running a clinic, and will be closing down her practice. She also finally told me that two weeks ago she had a heart attack. I never saw it coming, yet I've been waiting 5 years for the shoe to drop. I don't even know how to begin to process this.

I texted her after my session yesterday but I haven't heard back. It's bothering me, I keep checking my phone but nothing. This isn't the first time, especially when it's been a difficult session, and she has always had a valid reason or explanation for not getting back to me. But knowing although hasn't brought me total relief, although it also hasn't taken over total control either.

At the beginning of the summer I finally worked up the nerve to ask if we could go on a hike for one of our sessions. She had been spending time up in my neck of the woods so we had a couple of sessions near where I live and not in her office, which is nearly a two hour drive each way. Unfortunately due to circumstances beyond either of our control it never panned out. And now that summer is pretty much over and our schedules are a little more rigid she doesn't come up to her summer home as much.

This has been on my mind for quite some time.  I kept hoping she would bring it up cause I have been too scared to. It matters too much to me and I hate that it matters little to her. Those are my words and thoughts of course but the longer I ruminate about it the more I cement it as truth in my brain.

I really wanted to share the experience of a hike with her. And the top of this particular hike in the White Mountains has a spectacular view. In my head I had hoped to sit next to her when we reached the top and take in the beauty of it with her.

This though of sitting next to her made me also long to sit next to her in session, in her office. Her joining me on the couch. Boy, that sounds maybe a little lurid to write but I don't mean it that way. I mean it in the same way when I put my 9 year old to bed and she lays in the crook my arm. Although with L it would just be the physical proximity and not anything more than that.

In driving to her office yesterday, and during the week inbetween our last session I had thought about asking her to sit next to me.  It's funny how brave I am before T-day. How confident I am of my thoughts and feelings. But then I lose all sense of it and by the time I'm actually sitting in front of her. I can barely recall my intentions, never mind the feelings that were behind it.

It took me until about the 85th minute, of our normally 90 minute sessions to get most of th words. I had danced around it, I had pushed and pulled, I started and stopped, and finally at minute 89 I told her about wanting her to sit on the couch with me. It took a lot to get those words out. To tell her the lead-up-to-story of our failed plan of going on a hike, of what it meant to me. She finally got it. What happened next is sort of a blur to me.

Why hasn't she texted me back?

I've wanted to write for so long. Somehow thinking and hoping that putting it out there will help me make some sense of my thoughts. Or at the very least getting some relief. But for some reason I haven't made the time. Instead I have preferred the distraction of reading other blogs and forums.

So, without further ado, and in no particular order, here's some of,the crap that has been floating around in my head:

I turned 50 at the end of July. Ugh! I 'know' it's not really a big deal, and my life didn't change, but some of my thinking has. I'm technically old now, and being around college kids has reinforced that. Many of my staff call me Mom, which I do find endearing, but I'm very much aware that I am in fact older than most of their parents ! I'm also more aware of the brevity of life and how quickly it goes by. Did I say Ugh already!!

The death of my friend Michelle has been and still is hard. I still haven't wrapped my head around her being gone. When I go by the school playground, or go pickup my daughter she is quite often present with me. We had so many wonderful, and meaningful conversations there.

For nearly two months I have been extremely agitated. People and things that I normally would find some joy in have pissed me off!! Very stupid things. Like being on a vacation and a friend making me breakfast totally sent my head spinning! In fact I couldn't stand being around anyone. The only plus side was that I had time to get back to running during my vacation, and mostly cause I wanted to be alone.
I don't know how my wife has put up with me during this whole time. Actually she ticked me off because the first day into vacation she went and broke her ankle! And of course I had very little empathy for her, all I could do is be pissed at how it affected me. So selfish, I know. And it's weird, it's like I'm watching a movie.  I know how horrible I'm being, I'm very aware of the thoughts and frustrations that come into my head, but for the most part it didn't help contain or change my actions. It's like I knew I was being an asshole, but it didn't matter, the thoughts kept coming.

I had a non-relates follow up appointment with my primary care in the middle of all this and I sort of told her what was happening.  Maybe it's the start of menopause ? Maybe it's my meds? Who knows, so she recommended a psychiatric nurse practitioner . So I called and luckily she had a cancellation so I was able to see her within 2 weeks time. We talked about possible causes and avenues for resolution. Right now I'm coming off Prozac and going on Lexapro. It's only been a couple of weeks, yet it feels like an eternity, but it's too soon to tell if this alone will help.

Lots more to write, especially about therapy and the struggles with L, but it will have to wait.

My friend Michelle died last night, I just found out today. We exchanged texts on Wednesday.  The chemo wasn't working, she was out of options.  Three years fighting, but it was now time to call hospice.  I thought we'd still have time.  Time to talk like we used to.  Time for me to somehow help.  Were there things that she wanted me to do for her?  What about her 2 boys?