I'm still all over the place. Pretty much sad all the time, like an undercurrent that's always there. It's not a depression like side though, it's definitely a loss-type feeling. I haven't cried so much in such a long time. Not even for my father's death, my mother's death, or even my 15 month old nephew's death. My wife is very worried about me. This news has taken us both by surprise. I'm trying to be conscious about not crawling inside myself, but old habits are very hard to resist.

I've texted L a few times since, but I haven't found any relief with our exchanges. She hasn't been consistent with her responses, even taken up to 2 days to respond, even though she told me she was around and welcomed my texts. I try to be an adult and understand that she has a lot going on, including moving to her newly renovated home, but it still hurts. I wonder if her lack of response is maybe due to her health, maybe another heart attack? Then I think she just wants to shut me out, she doesn't want to, or can't handle my anger.

It really sucks that I can no longer fool myself, I never meant anything to her. We kidded once about her adopting me, I know it was said in jest, but there is/was a part of me that hung in to that.

I keep replaying in my head how she told me. I wasn't there more than 5 minutes. We started with the basic nicities, and then she looked at me and said she had to tell me something that she knew I wouldn't like. She had accepted another position.

Everything stopped. My world stopped. My mind actually went black. It was like standing in a small room and someone shut off the lights, *click*, and then total blackness. Not even a fade to black, it was immediate. Nothing good was ever going to happen again.

L told me today that she has taken another position, running a clinic, and will be closing down her practice. She also finally told me that two weeks ago she had a heart attack. I never saw it coming, yet I've been waiting 5 years for the shoe to drop. I don't even know how to begin to process this.

I texted her after my session yesterday but I haven't heard back. It's bothering me, I keep checking my phone but nothing. This isn't the first time, especially when it's been a difficult session, and she has always had a valid reason or explanation for not getting back to me. But knowing although hasn't brought me total relief, although it also hasn't taken over total control either.

At the beginning of the summer I finally worked up the nerve to ask if we could go on a hike for one of our sessions. She had been spending time up in my neck of the woods so we had a couple of sessions near where I live and not in her office, which is nearly a two hour drive each way. Unfortunately due to circumstances beyond either of our control it never panned out. And now that summer is pretty much over and our schedules are a little more rigid she doesn't come up to her summer home as much.

This has been on my mind for quite some time.  I kept hoping she would bring it up cause I have been too scared to. It matters too much to me and I hate that it matters little to her. Those are my words and thoughts of course but the longer I ruminate about it the more I cement it as truth in my brain.

I really wanted to share the experience of a hike with her. And the top of this particular hike in the White Mountains has a spectacular view. In my head I had hoped to sit next to her when we reached the top and take in the beauty of it with her.

This though of sitting next to her made me also long to sit next to her in session, in her office. Her joining me on the couch. Boy, that sounds maybe a little lurid to write but I don't mean it that way. I mean it in the same way when I put my 9 year old to bed and she lays in the crook my arm. Although with L it would just be the physical proximity and not anything more than that.

In driving to her office yesterday, and during the week inbetween our last session I had thought about asking her to sit next to me.  It's funny how brave I am before T-day. How confident I am of my thoughts and feelings. But then I lose all sense of it and by the time I'm actually sitting in front of her. I can barely recall my intentions, never mind the feelings that were behind it.

It took me until about the 85th minute, of our normally 90 minute sessions to get most of th words. I had danced around it, I had pushed and pulled, I started and stopped, and finally at minute 89 I told her about wanting her to sit on the couch with me. It took a lot to get those words out. To tell her the lead-up-to-story of our failed plan of going on a hike, of what it meant to me. She finally got it. What happened next is sort of a blur to me.

Why hasn't she texted me back?

I've wanted to write for so long. Somehow thinking and hoping that putting it out there will help me make some sense of my thoughts. Or at the very least getting some relief. But for some reason I haven't made the time. Instead I have preferred the distraction of reading other blogs and forums.

So, without further ado, and in no particular order, here's some of,the crap that has been floating around in my head:

I turned 50 at the end of July. Ugh! I 'know' it's not really a big deal, and my life didn't change, but some of my thinking has. I'm technically old now, and being around college kids has reinforced that. Many of my staff call me Mom, which I do find endearing, but I'm very much aware that I am in fact older than most of their parents ! I'm also more aware of the brevity of life and how quickly it goes by. Did I say Ugh already!!

The death of my friend Michelle has been and still is hard. I still haven't wrapped my head around her being gone. When I go by the school playground, or go pickup my daughter she is quite often present with me. We had so many wonderful, and meaningful conversations there.

For nearly two months I have been extremely agitated. People and things that I normally would find some joy in have pissed me off!! Very stupid things. Like being on a vacation and a friend making me breakfast totally sent my head spinning! In fact I couldn't stand being around anyone. The only plus side was that I had time to get back to running during my vacation, and mostly cause I wanted to be alone.
I don't know how my wife has put up with me during this whole time. Actually she ticked me off because the first day into vacation she went and broke her ankle! And of course I had very little empathy for her, all I could do is be pissed at how it affected me. So selfish, I know. And it's weird, it's like I'm watching a movie.  I know how horrible I'm being, I'm very aware of the thoughts and frustrations that come into my head, but for the most part it didn't help contain or change my actions. It's like I knew I was being an asshole, but it didn't matter, the thoughts kept coming.

I had a non-relates follow up appointment with my primary care in the middle of all this and I sort of told her what was happening.  Maybe it's the start of menopause ? Maybe it's my meds? Who knows, so she recommended a psychiatric nurse practitioner . So I called and luckily she had a cancellation so I was able to see her within 2 weeks time. We talked about possible causes and avenues for resolution. Right now I'm coming off Prozac and going on Lexapro. It's only been a couple of weeks, yet it feels like an eternity, but it's too soon to tell if this alone will help.

Lots more to write, especially about therapy and the struggles with L, but it will have to wait.

My friend Michelle died last night, I just found out today. We exchanged texts on Wednesday.  The chemo wasn't working, she was out of options.  Three years fighting, but it was now time to call hospice.  I thought we'd still have time.  Time to talk like we used to.  Time for me to somehow help.  Were there things that she wanted me to do for her?  What about her 2 boys?

Interesting session yesterday and I feel pretty good about it all today. She was up in my territory yesterday so instead of me driving 2 hours each way to her office we met at a coffee shop the next town over from me. Of course it's great that I don't have to waste the entire day driving, although that has its benefits too, meeting her outside of her office is not alway as intimate as I would like/need, and I finally shared that with her last time we met so she's aware of it now.
A couple random thoughts:
    My daughter wanted me to ask L if she would come to her play this Friday. My daughter, who's 9 is extremely excited about her play and wants anyone we've ever met to come! and secretly instead I would have wanted L there too! So I did bring it up during our session, half kidding, but still hoping, and L responded that she really would love to come but she's heading back to main home on Froday morning. But she said that she hopes to be up in my area a lot this summer so if my daughter has another performance she would love to come! In telling my wife M this last night she said 'ya, that sounds like something L would do.'
 Of course because we were in a local coffee shop, and I'm a local business owner I wasn't surprised that I would see people I knew, which didn't really bother me. However I wasn't prepared for a local college professor that I've done some community work with to be at the shop and beyond saying Hi to each other he came over to ask me something for a similar community event next year. It was a little weird, but not really that bad. And I was glad /proud that L got to see me in my 'natural' and 'more normal setting.'
We also,talked about me texting her last week and what was going on for me at that time. The text I sent was just really a simple 'hi', and a way for me to ensure that she's still out there. She said she was happy I did. I told her I hate being so needy.  She said it wasn't need or dependence, it was just a way for me to feel connected and there's nothing wrong with that. She doe it quite often with her children, just to make sure they're not dead!!
Because she'll be up I'm my neck of the woods next week again she asked if I was ok with meeting again at th coffee shop, which I was. However after reading on a psych blog about 'if you could spend a day with your T what would you do, I got the courage to ask if if next week we could do a simple hike instead of meeting at the coffee shop. We always meet for 90 minutes and the hike is less than a mile and ends with an amazing view of one of the most beautiful lakes in the area I've often thought of doing this with here. She's a seasoned hiker and I'm definetly not but I've often wondered about sharing that experience with her. She responded with 'sure, that sounds great!'. I was very relieved, although there's still plenty of time to chicken out!

There's got to be a 'why', right? Why am I filled with anxiety today?  Why do I transfer 'mother-crap' to her?  The silence, both my own and hers.  I guess just because I think/feel it doesn't make it so? I'm even seeing C's face instead of hers today.  That's even weirder. I feel silence is punishment and I also use silence as punishment.  Strange, yet it makes crazy sense too.

I've gotten myself all wound up that she's had enough of me.

Sent her another text message and then turned off the ringer so I won't hear the notification. And there's this level of satisfaction in giving her that type of silence.  Yet I'm well aware that it's all in my head.