I still can't seem to accept what this relationship is. I cringe when I hear her say things like 'client', 'patient', 'session'.  But that's what I am. The funny thing is that she gives me more than I ever thought was possible with a therapist.  I feel like I'm just not capable.
I hate how I react to her.  But at the same time I crave her support (although less than I used to). I also know that I feel at my best when I've opened up to her and felt connected.
I don't like that she doesn't 'take' or 'need' anything from me, but I on the other hand do.With my mother I always believed she was doing things only for herself, including her 'care' for me.
I can't figure out how to accept the boundaries even though she hasn't imposed any.  Maybe that's why it's confusing to me?
How do I accept that she's just my therapist? And why do I keep getting tripped up
Is she just waiting for me to ask for what I want/need?
Sometimes I think she really cares and that I matter, and that feels so good and life feels good.  But then something happens to remind me that I'm no more than a patient/client to her and I'm low on her totem pole of who she cares about.
After all this time, hard work, and life changes I feel like I'm still at the same place that I've always been.  This issue that makes no sense to me and controls my entire being.  Sounds a little over-dramatic, but it really does invade my entire life.

I think I need to learn to just accept, and specifically not judge, my thoughts and feelings.  Most of the time I really hate how I react, especially to L.  For instance, I sent her a text this morning, it was brief and not really in need of a reply.  I wrote "Still in a fog". It's now late in the afternoon and she hasn't replied and I feel myself getting angry with her, returning to the 'Fuck you's'.

Now logically I know that just because she hasn't responded to me doesn't mean she doesn't care, but my emotional reaction (or over reaction) gets a hold of me and I can't let it go.  And then I just start to spiral out of control and down the nasty hole of mistrust and anger.  Once again, in my head I know it isn't right, but it doesn't matter.

The next thing is that I try to flee from these feelings, and I can't.  I sometimes feel like I act like a person who's being attacked by a swarm of bees and I try and get away as fast as I can.  But the more I swat at them the angrier they respond.

So, for today, for right now I'm trying not to flee, I'm trying not to judge......

And the other thing I want to work on, need to work on, is accepting who she is, and isn't in my life.....

So I went today and I talked, sort of.  It look me awhile, lots of 'warm up' talking first.  Debated about just leaving. I was getting frustrated by everything she was trying.  Sarcasm at it's best.

Why do I keep fighting this? And at the same time I would love a chance to see her again this week.

I hate that there are boundaries around this/our relationship. Although I don't really need/want more from her.  Don't get me wrong I guess I wish we were friends, but only cause I like her and it just seems like what one would naturally do with someone they 'click' with, but that's not the part that eats at me.

I guess what gets to me is questioning that she really cares, cause if she cared she'd want to be my friend too?  Is that part of it?

She told me today that I can ask her anything I want, and she'll tell me.  But she won't just offer up anything, especially if she thinks I can't handle it or it's not good for me. I suppose if I were a rational person I would see that as caring. I do wonder what it's like to be rational, normal.......

I'm not sure what this stage of our therapeutic relationship is called. I'm still looking to, or feel more comfortable being angry with her. There is some delight in being able to be legitimately angry at her. Like a weird pleasure when she has screwed up. 

 Unfortunately I know she's also the 'perfect' therapist. Not because she doesn't make mistakes, no it's even worse (or better) than that.....when she makes them she owns up to them, and willingly validates what I usually call my  'crazy' reactions. 

She also lets me, in fact encourages me to text as much as I want and at any time of the night or day. Not that she always promptly replies, but I'm ok with that, I usually don't expect her to. She tells me she doesn't want me to sit with uncomfortable feelings if I don't have to.

She also almost always makes time for me. Because its now a 2 hour ride for me, each way, she often will meet me halfway at a coffee shop.

She lets me cancel without charging.

She sees me for at least 90 minutes, and has always supported my request for a second session during the week.

She discloses much about herself, appropriately and encourages me to ask anything I want.


But I'm finding myself continually questioning the realness or the authenticity of the relationship. I'm angry that I have to pay her to talk to me, or to care. Even though I know that's not true, sort of. But I still have a lot of 'fuck you' feelings towards her. Logically I suppose those feelings are really meant for my mother

I can't seem to reconcile, one way or another what this relationship is and is it good for me.  I've been going round and round with this for so long but I still can't find a place for it. I hate her, I love her. Push, pull.

Why can't I just willingly accept all she has offered, and continues to offer?
Why can't I just walk away?
Well will I find the gray?........before I turn gray??

I need to figure what to do so I thought I try writing out my crazy thoughts.

I know my reaction was irrational.  Well I think I know.

How can I talk to her about why I can't talk to her.  She said that she wonders if I'm angry at her and my not talking is sort of a 'fuck you'.  She's probably right. 

I'm sick of reacting this way.  I'm sick of needing her. 

I bet she's thinking that because she 'knows me' that I'll be sending her some pathetic text shortly. Well I can play that game, and I won't!

And I haven't been ruminating for a while, but looks like that short stint might be over.

I don't like that she has 'power' over me.  I hate how nonchalantly, without even looking up at me, she made known her upcoming plans known.  I wanted to have the same blaise reaction.

Part of me wants to write that pathetic text, part of me doesn't.  I'm trying to make a deal with myself that I'll hold off on texting until tomorrow and if I still feel crappy I will contact her.  That sounds almost rational except if there was a possibility of seeing her tomorrow I would have to set up that time today.

Sitting at the shop missing L right now. Which really is nothing unusual, but it's still frustrating. I just don't understand it. I see her at least once a week, sometimes twice, I can call or text her as much as I like, which I don't, but still the craving continues.

Why?

I told her last week it's some sort of fear, at least that's what it feels like, both physically and mentally. I'm not quite sure what I'm afraid of, and she is always reassuring me that she's not going anywhere, but still the fear persists.

I can feel it in my stomach, my shoulders, and in my throat.

Why? Or better yet, how do I make it go away?

I had this quick text exchange from L today.  It was after I had just left my session with her.  The session was ok, nothing too deep, she's trying to get me to 'feel' or 'accept' that things are going pretty well in my life., and for some reason I can't, or I'm not willing to.
We talked alot about the shop and how it's going, and all the people I've met.  We also talked about Denis Leary, and Sean Penn, and Peter Wolf!

But anyway here's the text and I'm not sure what I meant.....


Me: Needed more. More what?  and why?
L: Not sure, willing to give more
Me: Thanks but I think I'm the one who's supposed to give more.  Or maybe give-up something.
L: Good Thought



Wish I understood more of what I meant.