I guess I'm having a mini tantrum right now, but it's my blog and I'll cry if I want to!!  I haven't seen L in nearly 2 weeks, and she hasn't reached out to me at all.  And of course I know she's not supposed to, but knowing that doesn't make me feel any better.

I want to contact her, but I more want her to contact me! I'm the one going through multiple life changing events and if she cared she just sent a quick text.  I did breakdown last week and send her a picture of the new sign for the shop, and she did respond, sending me 'good karma' for the Friday opening, but that's been it. 

Nothing.  No call, no email, no text. 

I could be dead on the side of the road for all she knows.

Sorry I've been a bad blogger lately, and although I have a lot of really good excuses (dog ate my keyboard, forgot my password....) my friends of blog-nation have been in my thoughts!

So, in no particular order...

I'm at the shop right now, and it's been crazy.  So much to do, so little time.  We open this Friday and there's so many little things that still need to be done.  Washing all the candy jars, getting the plumber in (one last time!!), ordering t-shirts, chasing down the sign-guy, hiring students, setting up the cash register, figuring out payroll, buying insurance.....the list goes on. 

Yesterday all the ice cream got delivered, over 70 3-gallon tubs, making up 30+ flavors!  And wouldn't you know I came in this morning and we had lost power, luckily it lasted less than 30 minutes, but I was just about to start panicking!!

Today all the candy arrived, about 300 pounds worth.  Now all I have to do is finishing washing 100 candy jars.

My partner M had surgery last Friday.  She was diagnosed with Thyroid Cancer about a month ago so they had to take her whole thyroid out.  The surgery went really well, but the after affects have been horrible.  She hasn't been able to keep any food day.  They kept her in the hospital an extra day so they could fool with her meds to see if they could figure out what's going on.  As of right now she hasn't gotten sick for over 12 hours, so that's a good thing.  But she's simply wiped out.  So I've been going back and forth the 100 miles, because she's recouping in our old house, cause our daughter still has one week of school before she moves up to our new place.Luckily M's niece from Virginia has come up to stay for a week or two to help out.  She really has been a godsend. 

We go see the Endocrinologist this afternoon to figure out the treatment plan is, let's hope M is feeling better today.

As for therapy, well I guess that's a whole other topic, and I don't have much time to go into it.  I haven't seen L in about a week, just too busy.  I'm feeling very disconnected, and have been doubting our relationship, or whatever it's called. We don't have another appointment scheduled, and suffice to say I'm testing her to see if she call/text and check in on me.  I bet she doesn't pass this test......and yes, I know it's not fair. 

I'm still not feeling connected to L.  Saw her this morning and I didn't say much, and even the things I did talk about weren't really in depth; I could have talked about them with anyone.

I was very tired though.  Lately I've been going to bed exhausted, falling asleep, and then wake up around 1:00/2:00am and then I can't get back to sleep, too much thinking going on.  I'm assuming that's why L didn't push me for much, again.  I guess I want her to push, it means she cares (yes, I know how twisted that thinking is).

A good friend died the other day and her funeral was yesterday.  I felt a little 'spacey' yesterday.  I think death and funerals do that to me.  It's just that it takes me a long time to process it.  It's so weird that one day someone can be talking to you, and the next day they're gone.

The surrealness of the whole day was enhanced because my friend was no longer in my day-to-day life as she once was, and the people who were her friends and family are no longer in my day-to-day life, as they once were. They were all part of a life that I once had, almost 20 years ago, with my first partner..  That relationship ended badly, and because I was the one that ended it, many of our mutual friends (and even some of my own family) chose to 'side' with my ex.  For some reason people feel the need to make a choice on 'who was right', but not T, my friend who died.  She stayed friends with me (and my ex) and supported me the whole time.  She was the one strong link that I had to my old life.

As sad, and as wrong as yesterday was, it was good to see some old friends, but it certainly gets a person thinking about their own immortality. 

M finally has a date for surgery.  She will have her thyroid removed on April 20th.  I'm glad we finally can start moving forward, as scary as it all seems.  She is feeling pretty well, but of course she's nervous about the surgery.  Because the surgeon is also a plastic surgeon she asked him if he could do a face lift while he was in there!!!  He said no, but he'll do a good job hiding the scar.

I have this strange want/need to text L and tell her that I want to talk a break from therapy.  The only thing that stopping me is I also know that's not what I really want.  What the hell is going on?  Although it makes sense that maybe I'm feeling distant from because I'm moving, but it doesn't 'feel' like the reason.  I'm still very saddened by this, like I've lost something.  I've lost the connection to her and I'm not working to get it back.  Why?  Do I just assume that it's gone for good? 

I know this is all over the place, but I guess that's how I feel.  And there's so much more I could whine about, but I'm too tired right now.

Oh, I forgot, things with the ice cream shop are moving along.  Spent the whole weekend painting the shop with the help of some friends.  Looking good, but still more to go.  Also met with a payroll processing company, former shop manager, web site designer, and paper/plastic supplier.  It's amazing how things you have to do to open a business.  And don't get me started on credit card processing companies.  I think they try extra hard to make it confusing.

It's also my last week of week, finally.  Although I feel really bad about leaving my team, I am happy that we're finally doing this.  It's still scary and exciting all at the same time

I think I'm just writing this so I can get it out.  I really wish I could call L, actually I could, but I wouldn't know what to say, sort of.  It was only the last few minutes (of our 90 minute appointment) that I was able to tell her a little bit of what has been going on in my head the past few weeks.  She said she hasn't been pushing for me to talk as hard as she normally would because she wants me to stay focused on all the things that are going on in my 'real' life. She said that I only have so much energy to give so she doesn't want to drain me too much.

It's strange that the person you want to talk to is the person you can't talk to.  It's the old, familiar push-pull thing again.

Why, if I know this dance so well, do I continue to do it? And even right now, as I am trying to force myself to open up and talk to her

There's a part that wants me to keep holding back, but then there's also this huge part that just wants to sit in her office and discuss all of it.

I want to ask her how she feels about me, am I important? I want her to know how important she is to me, even if sometimes I seem distant, it's really not how I feel about her.

I want to tell her that I often wish she would hold me, like a mother with a child. 

I want to tell her that I felt a twinge of jealousy today when I was leaving and another client came in.

I want to tell her that I hate being called a client.

I want to tell her that I hated it today when she said she had 'spots available'.



I wrote the above the other day, and once again so much has happened between then and now.

First, I did see L this morning and I was able to tell her a little bit more.  It's hard because none of this makes sense to me.  The loss of intensity is confusing and trying to understand it is only making it worse.  And unfortunately in her prodding I took something she suggested in a negative way

I got word yesterday that a close friend has only weeks to live.  She was diagnosed with liver cancer and started treatments in December but she was told on Tuesday that the treatments weren't working.  She was presented with the options of a whole new round of chemo, going on a trial, or calling in hospice.  After about 3 days she decided hospice is what was best for her.

I went and saw her for a couple of hours today. I tried to be a good distraction, telling stories of ice cream shops and quitting my job, and I think it lightened the mood of the house, atleast for a while.  But when I hugged her good bye and told her I'll be back on Sunday (with ice cream!!) I told her 'I love you'.  It was so out of character for me, but it also felt like me. 

After my session with L I sent her this text:

M:  I need to ramble some more, sorry I'm taking the easier way out with texting it.....I guess without the intensity I question the reality, or what I thought was the reality....it's tough to accept that I'm just a 'client' although I guess there's really nothing else that fits.  And one would think that you being so flexible and supportive would be (or should be) enough for me, but suggesting (although not outright recommending) that an option would be to see someone else just feeds my thinking....I know that wasn't your intention.....so now I'm fishing, I want you to give feedback on a question (or two) that I can't seem to outright ask you.....so please don't.  Sorry for the catch-22, maybe I'm just trying to get some of the intensity back?  Cause I know I'm gonna die a thousand deaths knowing I sent this?

L: I was not    I was not suggesting you see someone else, I was just probing you to understand your not feeling connected.  I do not want to stop working with you.  I am sorry if that was projected.  I believe that we have done extraordinary work together and I am so glad and encouraged that you texted.  Intensity we need to understand better and we will.

Me:  Hey, you weren't supposed to respond...next time I'll have you sit on your hands before you start reading....hopefully you won't be driving....But thanks, it's much appreciated.


I keep reading and rereading our exchange; it felt good.....and I haven't quite died a thousand deaths.....yet.

It's not that I haven't wanted to post, I really have, but I hate to sound like I'm whinning, which I'm not, although it sort of feels like it.

Once again, let's start with the 'easier' stuff....

First, we accepted an offer on the house!!!  Totally amazing that in less than a week on the market.  Although we're still taking a bath on it, but atleast we get to walk away free and clear.  It's so huge to have that weight off our shoulders.  The buyer's inspection is tomorrow, and assuming that they don't find anything too horrendous, we have a tentative close on the house for April 27th.

It's hard to believe that in just a little more than a month we'll be in a completely different environment.  Our daughter is very excited about the move, which is another huge weight off our shoulders.  We took her shopping yesterday to get a new bedroom set for her.  It's her birthday present and it adds to the excitement and the anticipation of moving. 

We also finally closed on the shop on Friday, we're now finally the official owners.  As with most types of closings, there is something that usually goes wrong, and our case wasn't any different.  It had to do with getting an insurance binder, but at the last hour we were able to pull it out.  It was more to do with paperwork than anything else, but it still would have stopped us from signing. 

In addition to buying a new bed for our daughter, we also purchased some old-tyme pendant lamps that will hang over the 'bar' at the ice cream shoppe.  I think they'll look really cool and will add to the old fashioned, yet very hip look that we're going for.  Can't wait to hang them!!

As for the whinny stuff, as usual it has to do with counseling. I'm still feeling distant or adrift from L.  I'm not sure if I'm doing it on purpose, or as one reader suggested that I've just got so much going on right now.  And as strange as this sounds, I sort of miss obsessing about her.  Why would that be?

I've felt such a closeness and a bond with her, but I feel like it's slipping away now and I'm afraid I won't get it back.  And no, I haven't talked to here about it, although I've dropped hints, and I get the feeling that she's purposely not trying to pull this out of me in hopes that I can do it all by myself.

Because I will be moving about 100 miles away and I will be a small business owner I won't be able to see her as often as I can right now.  And we've talked about this a bit and she's willing to be as accomodating as she can to meet my crazy schedule.  In fact because she owns a vacation home in the area she's willing to meet on the weekends during the summer when she's up there.  And this is all good and I'm really not that freaked out about it, which is a bit strange for me.  I'm so suprised that I'm not obsessing about it, but I'm not, I'm ok with it.  But at the same time, the 'not obsessing' is a little unsettling. 

I don't feel particularly angry with her, but something definitely is going on for me, just not sure what.  Can I obsess about not obsessing???

I know this doesn't make any sense, and that's probably why I haven't been able to talk about it with her.  I don't feel comfortable discussing things unless I've got a good understanding or a good handle on it, and such is the case with this. 

We were talking the other day and I told her it felt like our conversation seemed like one that a parent would have with a child as they are going off to college.  I jokingly told her she couldn't give my 'room' to anyone, and no turning it into a 'guest room' or 'an office'. 

Maybe the feelings are just bittersweet stuff?  Maybe I am growing up and moving out?

In my head, I've started writing an update about a dozen times, but at the same time I'm not sure I can finish a complete thought.  I think a lot of it has to do with the current state of my life.  Basically it's all over the place.  Don't misunderstand me though, I know I've put myself in this situation, but there's a hell of a lot of changes going on in my life, so I'm a bit all over the place.  Although strangely, at the same time, it also feels pretty good.  Scary, but good. 

Let's see, we'll start with the 'easy' external stuff.  Our house is on the market, and man is it ever stressful.  We've had to clean and declutter, which is simply exhausting.  The good news is that at least that part is done, and we're getting a lot of foot traffic, and rumor has it we may get a written offer today.  But the hard part is keeping the house looking 'pristine' all the time, and not being home while people traipse through our house.  This weekend M was out of town visiting her dad so I had to keep loading up the kid and the dog in the car and find things to keep us all occupied for short amounts of time. 

Mostly it's an inconvenience, and I hope it's over soon!!!

As for the hard internal stuff, well, it's been hard, or maybe 'different' is a better word. I feel like something is changing and I'm not quite sure how I feel about it.  Last weekend I heard a quote from somewhere (maybe a movie??) that goes 'When God wants to punish you, he answers your prayers'.  And I'm wondering if my 'prayers' regarding therapy and L are being answered.  Lately I feel like she's less important to me.  I'm not all wrapped-up in thought about her or therapy.

Now I know that I've said to her in the past, usually out of fear or frustration, that why can't our relationship be more like the one I have with my dentist?  But now that maybe it's starting to happen, I'm not sure I'm on board with it.

For example, part of this whole-life-changing-mid-life-crises-what-the-hell-am-I-thinking-buying-an-ice-cream-shop-and-moving-my-family-100-miles-away, has been the obvious realization that I will be quitting my job.  I've been working in this industry for over 20 years, and of course I'm sick of it, but it's how I make my living.  So although I knew I would quit my job, the hope was that I could somehow get laid off.  You see if I quit I can't collect unemployment if I ever need to, but if I get laid off, then I can. 

So a whole series of (strange) events led me to be in a position last week in which it would make sense for me to go in to HR and ask to get laid off.  I can't tell them I'm leaving to open an ice cream shop, so I needed a different justification for asking to be let go.  And much to my surprise, they agreed! Not only did they agree, but we're working out a 'seperation' package as well, which will my make me and my families life a bit easier, at least for awhile.

Anyway, it's a really long story, but after my conversation with HR I came back to my office and called my wife up.  She was also the only person I talked to before going to see HR.  It really was a whirlwind of events that led me to HR, and M was with me the whole way. 

But what was also interesting is that I didn't have a burning want (which always feels like a need) to reach and tell L.  And it's not that I was ticked with her or holding back on purpose, it just wasn't a driving force.  And for some reason I'm also not feeling particularly 'close' to her right now.  I'm sure some of it has to do with M and I and some things between the two of us that we've been dealing with.  And honestly that's all good.

I guess I'm not really sure what I'm saying.  Everything has been thrown up in the air and instead of feeling totally excited with all these good changes, I'm feeling a little........well I'm not quite sure.  I think there are about a 1,000 different words I could use.

Man, this therapy-stuff is hard, and if I'm gonna take what I learn and experience in therapy out to the real world, well that is hard too!

It's been a long, almost surreal week, especially dealing with all this feeling-crap, and getting myself to talk.  In some respects I feel like I've moved mountains, but then again, at the same time I feel almost childlike. 

M and I have had some pretty intense discussions, and although maybe nothing 'tangible' has changed, something has changed, or at least shifted, and that's a good thing.  But honestly, there's also a part of me that is scared of this shift.  Can I actually maintain this level of communication and honesty?

I've also been a lot more open with L this week.  And then the same question 'Can I actually maintain this level of communication and honesty'?