I need to process today's session a lot more.  So much was going on in my head and most I couldn't/wouldn't/didn't share with her. 

She knew I shut down, I recoiled, I threw the walls up and dug myself into a hole.  When I would react this way with my partner M she would label it my 'Get Smart' routine.  The old tv program used to show Smart going into his hiding place with all these steel doors closing and locking him in.

I'm not sure why this old/familiar/still happens reaction happened. 

We were talking about how I'm uncomfortable with people, that I don't typically like socializing, and when I do it takes an effort on my part.  In fact, I sort of have two different persona's.  I either need to be funny and the life of the party, or sort of removed and dark and brooding.  Strange that they're both polar opposites, but they have the same affect.  It keeps me distant from people, remote and fearing intimacy.  But I'm also aware enough to know that I still crave a connection.

So while L is telling me these observations of hers, which I don't deny, I start feeling like she thinks I'm too dependent on her.  I also hear criticism, that I'm not the person I should be, the person that she would want me to be.  I react to the criticism stuff in the same way I used to with my mother.  I was never 'enough' for my mother.  Never pretty enough, never thin enough, never girlish enough...etc.  She hated that I was so different.  In fact that was the 'nicest' way she could describe me, that I was 'different'. 

I was able to somehow tell L that my interpretation of what she said to me was negative criticism, and I don't handle that very well.  I also told her that I know some of my reaction was based on 'old stuff'.  My goal as a kid was to frustrate the hell out of my mother, which is where not talking and shutting down came into play. It would drive her crazy.  I would then also promise myself to never let her 'get' to me.  Both in a good way and in a ba way.

So I tell L that I think I've accomplished with her what I set out to do, which was to frustrate her by not talking.  And I repeat that I know this is old stuff, but at the same time I'm thinking of that old saying 'Just because your paranoid doesn't mean people aren't watching you'.  So just because I have attachment issues doesn't mean that someone isn't getting sick of me.

So while all that is going on in my head, I also have in the back of my mind the text exchange we had last Friday. Although I was nervous about it, she had said that she would tell me about the 'long list' of things she 'gotten from me', but she didn't.  Which led me to fall back on my original belief that she was just bullshitting me. I probably put her on the spot and she really couldn't come up with anything.  In fact it led her down the path of 'why is she still needy?'. Which led to the discussion that I need to connect more with other people. 

And then I think I also had her new car on my mind.  Boy that sounds strange.  You see I got a new car back in May.  My car was 11 years old so I was really excited about getting a new car.  The session before I picked up the car she had commented that she wanted to see it when I came for our next meeting.  To my surprise she was waiting in the parking lot the next time I came.  I was so flattered that she remembered, and that she was really interested, and of course who doesn't love showing off a new car.

Because I typically see her at 7:30 in the morning, our cars are normally the only ones in the small parking lot.  The last few sessions I noticed her car wasn't there, but there was a new car there.  I was never really sure if it was hers or not and I didn't really give it a whole lot of thought.  Except this morning I noticed this new car, with a familiar sticker on the back which for me confirmed that it was her car.  And then I started thinking how crappy that she can be excited for me, but I can't be for her.  She can't even bring it up just for the sake of sharing.

I know that's the deal.  Although she shares a lot of information with me, it's usually only in relationship to something we're talking about.  There's really no random insertion of her life story into our conversation unless it relates to something we're discussing.

I get that, but I don't think I'll every get used to it.  Will that always be my problem?

I also hated the abruptness of how she ended the session today, and also seeing other people in the waiting room.  Logically I know it was abrupt because she had other people, other clients waiting and she had already run a few minutes past our 90 minutes.  Logically I know that she quite often gives me extra time when there's noone after me, but it still stings.  Will that always be my problem too?

And now I sit, and wish I could tell her all the things I've just written.  Maybe it's all crap and maybe I'm just really fucked up. 

As I was leaving she repeated a couple times that I could text her, and if I wanted to come back on Thursday morning instead of Friday morning she was available. 

I think I want to text her 'Do you think I'll ever look at you like a therapist, and nothing more?'

I wonder if I'll work up the guts.

I probably come across as unappreciative of my relationship with L, and her support, but I'm really  not.  It truly means the world to me that she's so available to me.  She told me yesterday that she tells me exactly what's going on in her head.  She said she does that in order to mirror the behavior to me. 


Our texting volley continues she answers my 'testing' question:

L: List is too long for text Tuesday we can go over it ok

Me:  ok....I just keep repeating my new mantra 'L can be trusted', although I gotta tell you the 'list is too long' feels like an over-inflated brush off (sorry that probably sounds nasty, I don't think I mean it that way, feeling more like 'No, that dress doesn't make you look fat')

After sitting with that a few minutes I realize what a jerk I'm being....

Me: No need to respond to that last text, I'll put my big girl pants on and look at it the way you intended not the way I see it

L:  Thank you, I intended it to be genuine and supportive, which is always truthful

Me: I know....I'll stop bugging you....just for today of course.

I've been texting a lot with L this morning.

Me: I wish I had something pithy to say or a good reason to text, but I don't.  Hopefully something will come to me today

L: You don't need a reason to text

Me:  Just wish it was more tangible than simply wanting to connect

L: Just wanting to connect is really a good thing

Me:  If that's the case then I've been good all along!  Now it's just trying to figure out a way to satisfy it.

L: Well, I wish I had a magic wand and could fix it but we will process it together.  Progress is being made.  I know you would like it to b e quicker

Me:  Not sure it's ok to ask, but....yesterday when I was lamenting about the power imbalance and hating that I'm the needy one, you said something along the lines that there have been things that you've gotten from me. Can I ask what?

Now I sit and hold my breath and think of the million ways she could answer this.......

Will she put me off and tell me that we can talk about it next Tuesday?
Will she tell me she can't?
Will she tell me to stop trying to do therapy via text?
Will she tell me we talk about this over the phone?

Will her response make me feel worse?



What I pretty sure she won't do is ask that dreaded-therapyese question 'Why do you ask?' I don't think she's ever answered a question with a question.

But maybe I/we should explore why I'm asking......

It occurred to me this morning that growing up all I wanted was to be seen.  I'm sure that's played a role in shaping who I am. 

I sent L a text this morning:

Me:  I wish I had something pithy to say or a great reason to text, but I don't.  Hopefully something will come to me.

The need or craving to contact her was occupying valuable internal resources on my part, basically it was starting to consume me. And of course my dream reaction would be for her to say 'I have some time today, do you want to talk?'  or 'I'll be near your work today, would you like to meet for coffee?'  And of course either of those would be great, except I also know that i don't have something specific on my mind that I need to share.  I just want to be in her presence.

I have a good friend who I've know for 25 years.  We don't see each as often as we used to, but when I was in my 20's we hung out a lot.  One of his favorite things to say to me was 'Hey, come over and share a moment with me'.  It was lighthearted, but it's sort of how I feel with L.  I just want to 'be'.

That was one of my favorite things about my partner M.  When we first got together I knew I was happy just to 'be' with her, I was comfortable with our silence, and sometimes comforted by the silence.  And it didn't have anything to do with me retreating or withdrawing it was just simply filling a need.

I think I'm starting to withdraw a bit.  Like right now I'm just sitting in my office, with the door closed, trying to figure out how to get through the day.  Which basically means try to keep my mind occupied until I finally make it to bed, my final resting place.  It's not that I don't have things to do ( 3 meetings in the afternoon, food shop before going home, a cute little kid to take care of when I get there....etc) but I would prefer to just curl up in a ball and be left alone.

I know part of it has to do with the ice cream shop.  We were supposed to get together this weekend to go over their financials, but they say they won't be ready until the end of January.  Well we can't wait that long, both from an emotional perspective as well as a financial perspective.  The business is seasonal so we need to have things in place by March 1st.  And emotionally, well I'm just so checked out at work, I can't concentrate on anything.  I'm trying.  I have a couple of big projects that I'm responsible for, but my heart isn't in it so I'm dragging my feet alot.

When my partner M talked to the current owners a few days ago they also threw out an asking price that was nearly double of what I had in mind.  They're also questioning our commitment and seriousness, funny but I was questioning there's!!! I had actually drafted a letter of intent/commitment last week, had my lawyer review it, and was going to present it to them this weekend.  But I was concerned that they would be afraid of the lawyer-babble, but now it looks like that's what they're looking for.  I've tried for the past couple of days to get back in contact with them but so far we haven't had a chance to talk.

They said a few other things that were strange, and they are also doing some cosmetic changes to the place right.  Well that just doesn't make sense.  The cosmetic changes won't add value to the property/land/business it will only increase the potential for attracting buyers, but they already have a buyer (me!!!) so why waste your time and money? 

I feel like they're not telling us something, but it's probably just my paranoia kicking in.  Because they haven't been open with what they're thinking, well then that causes me to think the worst.

I can't tell how L is harping on this and using it as a 'life lesson' for me!  She says that I need to talk with them and figure out a way to get the communications flowing better.  Unfortunately for me I would just prefer that they follow a traditional process for selling/buying a business, but I guess this is par-for-the-course when buying a small business.

I know this is just part of the process, and I shouldn't read so much negativity into it, and I'm definitely not giving up, but I wish I was the type of person who would draw energy from this challenge, instead of letting it get me down.  I mean I do like a good challenge, but this one seems to carry so much weight.  Not to be overly dramatic, but it is my life (any my family's life) that we're talking about here.

I also spoke with L on the phone yesterday, something I think I've only done twice before.  Either I text her or I just wait.  Alot of times just putting it out there in a text to her helps, but after yesterday's session I texted her to see if I could see her earlier than Friday this week.  She responded that she had time on Thursday, in which I responded that Thursday would work for me, and I was having a bit of an anxiety attack and I didn't want to wait until Friday. She then said that we could talk on the phone.  I wasn't prepared for that question, but I was able to talk myself into it.

So about an hour later, I found myself sitting in my car at a local cemetery having a very strange conversation with L.  Seriously the whole therapy-relationship-attachment-transference-stuff is crazy making.  It's just not like any other relationship I've ever had.  It's not normal. 

I mean the neediness, the ruminations, the craving, the childlike longings, the need for safe, physical touch, the role they play in our lives, the painful slide that happens when they're away.

How do I talk about all these things without dying of embarrassment? How do I pour my heart out to someone who doesn't even feel half of what I feel?  How do I give up wanting control over my feelings? How do I allow myself to trust her?  And specifically in this relationship, once I feel better I lose her.  Where's my motivation?

I know I'm whiny, but it's my blog and I can cry if I want to.

Oh, and another reason to whine.....feeling more connected with L after our phone conversation today, I sent her a text this morning 'So I need some L-words-of-wisdom to get me through the day.....what do you got?'  And naturally I haven't heard back from her, and it's been over 6 hours.  Guess that wasn't the right thing to do.  Feeling too comfortable.  Crap.

More strange and random thoughts.....

I hate when a session ends abruptly.  We were talking today about some hard stuff, after me wasting over an hour by not talking, and she sort of stopped me in mid-sentence and said 'We went over, we'll have to stop', to which I stopped the conversation, got up and left.  All very mechanical.  I'm trying not to read too much into it, but it's like I got hit in the face with the reality of the relationship.

I am trying to figure out why I have trouble talking, why are the walls up, what do I get from it?  Simplistically I know it comes from my childhood.  My only 'protection' against my mother was to withdraw from her and not talk.  It drove her crazy, which I of course loved.

But that, I guess, doesn't work for me anymore. 

So I was driving to work this morning after my session and thinking about this.  What do I get from not talking?  Some of it has to do with control.  In my mind I would never let my mother affect me so I would shut down from her, that was my defense.  So now with L I can't get past this perceived imbalance of power. I hate that I can't stop her from affecting me.

I hate that I need her, that I want her support, and that I'm fragile with her.  If she takes it away I lose and she wins. 

I'm not normally like that.  Not that I know what 'normal' looks like, but my m.o. with other people is to not be needy.  I try and solve, resolve everything on my own, never, ever reaching out to people. 

How do I get comfortable with this?  And how do I hold steadfast to the belief that be open and vulnerable and relying on others is the right way?

Random weirdness:

In reviewing some of my blog stats today I noticed that someone from the same town as L checked out this site yesterday.   Highly unlikely that it was a coincidence? Not sure how I feel about it, probably a whole myriad of ways.  Not sure if I'll ask her or not.

I've had L on my mind a lot this weekend.  Part of me really wanted to reach out to her and another part was/is really angry at her.

I've been very aware lately of how much I push my thoughts away, how uncomfortable I am, and how I fight them.  So today while driving to work I was thinking about L and how I feel about her.  I've fought the thought of thinking about her in a motherly-way, so I briefly allowed that thought this morning.  I don't know how to accurately describe it but it was amazing.  Even as I write it now I can feel a great sense of always being cared about.  Wouldn't that be great? To have this sense that someone would always be there for you, that someone would always love you, no matter what.  Much like how I feel about my own daughter.

I know if I shared this with L she would be comfortable with it. She's even said in the past that it's ok to think of her in a sisterly or motherly way.  But how can lying to myself be good?

I gotta get a hobby......