In addition to jealousy, why the anger? Why can I be so quick to feel angry with her?  That I'm on heightened alert to beware of her 'tricking' me?


And is more helpful to 'know' it's transference and separate my feelings from her, or is it more helpful to just go with it and direct it at her?

So why do we think they have a better life than us?  Why do we imagine they have perfect children, amazing sex, and a profession that they love? 

Ok, so maybe it's really not a 'we' but an 'I'? 

I don't think I'd describe myself has a 'jealous' person.  Sure there are things I wish I had, or deeper relationships, but why does that turn into jealousy towards L?  Why do I picture that she has wonderful kids, a terrific love life, and a job that fulfills her?

I've read about the whole blank-slate-thing, and she's clearly not a blank slate, but either way how does 'positive regard' turn into this?

My life is not perfect but there's certainly no one in my life that I would trade with, so why with L?  Although I don't think I'd want to trade necessarily, I guess I just want to be part of it, in a meaningful way.  I guess 'meaningful' to her.

Just random long-weekend thoughts........

I don't mean to sound like I'm not grateful, but the problem with having a really good session, is that's it's usually followed by one that's no so good.  Not that it was horrible, but I felt like we, or I, didn't get to the same level as we (or I) did last Friday.  I was really looking forward to seeing L today, but that shifted a bit this morning.  I think sometimes I feel braver when it's a few days away, but not so much when it's the actual day. 

I really wanted to talk about the email exchange from her friend the other day, the one in which I felt pangs of jealousy.  But somehow I couldn't get there.  I felt silly about it, like I was making too much out of it.  Instead we talked about a lot of different things, mostly inconsequential stuff.  I have to admit L does a really good job at getting me, and keeping me talking.  My last t, well actually not my 'last' t, but the t who meant the world to me and then crushed me, well she went more with the 'blank slate' approach.  I mean she shared personal things/stories with me, but I always had to start the conversation.  And unfortunately that meant we sat in silence alot, and I mean ALOT.

Eventually I was able to bring up the email exchange and tell her that it felt awkward for me.  But because I didn't do a good job explaining how it affected me, she understood it to mean that I just wasn't used to seeing her that way.  Like when you work with someone everyday for years and then out-of-the-blue you run into them in a social setting.  But that's not how it was for me, but I was too embarrassed to tell her. 

So that's how the session ended.  We did talk about a lot of different things, and because we have similar interests (we often share books) I always like talking non-therapy stuff with her, but when I leave knowing I didn't share what I really wanted to, well it leaves me feeling down, empty, and sad.  I remembering texting her once telling her it's like I went to a buffet but never ate.

When I left and got to my car I just sat there with the car running for a while.  Because of the holiday I won't see her for another week and I'm really frustrated with myself for not getting what I need, and now I have to sit with it.  But then some how I muster up the courage to text her.  Maybe it's the 'chicken' way out, but sometimes it allows me to stick my toe in water until I'm ready to jump in.  So I send this to her:

Me:  You know it's more of a jealous-thing than an out-of-context-thing

Once again, I know in an ideal world I should be saying the words out loud and not texting her, but at the moment it works for me.  When we first started texting it would take me a long time before I would actually press the send button. I would agonize over it for hours, and even then sometimes I still wouldn't send it.  But L and I have talked about that and she says I can text anything, anytime, as much as I want.  So as soon as I start agonizing I hear her voice in my head and I can usually quickly send it, and that's what I did this morning.

It's still so strange to me that the act of simply sending the text can give me such relief, and that's what happened this time.  So after sending it I was able to continue processing the session, and I was able to come up with some stuff that made me feel better.  That I could take with me to feel comfort.  It wasn't as comforting as if I'd have actually shared my thoughts/feelings in person, but I still was able to see some good.

And then, a couple hours later I get her response:

L:  Jealous, good, glad you shared that with me.  We will start next week with that, ok?  Together we can figure out this stuff and get into a better place. 

I am totally floored by that.  I was so nervous to read her response to my text that I held off for a while.  But in my smart-ass kind of way, I reply with:

Me:  Really?  Good? Start with it??? Can't we just start with 'nice weather' or 'how was your weekend', like normal people.

I wish I left feeling like I felt last Friday, but it certainly could be a lot worse.

I finally ran this weekend.  I haven't run in over a month, probably more like 6 weeks, and boy did I feel it last night.  But the weather was so nice how could I pass it up.  So while running (and the occassional walking!!) I was thinking about therapy and it occurred to me that I don't think therapy will necessarily change how I feel about things. I don't think I'll necessarily not feel a particular way about something, or more 'normal', it's just that maybe I'll accept how I feel.  I think I spend so much energy on hating how I feel about something that I don't actually deal with the feeling itself. 

Seems so basic, and yet I've complicated it.


I have to admit that I've really enjoyed the process of potentially buying the ice cream shop.  I know that 'ice cream' sounds like fun, and of course it is, but putting together a detailed plan for buying a business has been very stimulating and challenging.  I'm certainly a fish-out-of-water when it comes to this stuff, but it has really challenged me to reach out to a lot of people and ask lots of questions.

One of the areas that I've been focusing on is the marketing of the shop.  We're lucky in that they don't do much marketing now, in fact they don't do any, so there's plenty of opportunity for growth!  We do have a name for the place, but I want to put some money in hiring a marketing/graphic person to design a logo.  This logo would not only go on our signs, but I would want t-shirts/sweatshirts as well. 

In talking about the marketing opportunities with L she offered up a name to me.  In fact she called this person at the end of one of our sessions just to give him a heads-up.  She said it was totally up to me if I wanted to us him or not, but he would be happy to have an initial conversation with me and give me some advice on next steps.

So I finally called him the other day and we had a quick conversation.  He was in the middle of something so he asked me to send him an email with some more info and suggest a couple times when we could talk a little bit more.  It's strange, but I got this little 'rush' knowing I was dealing with someone that L knows.  Although, at the same time I just assumed it was someone that she knew more in-passing, like a distant acquaintance. 

However, when he replied back to my email it was apparent that their relationship was more personel.  Part of his reply stated that he was availaable for one of the times I listed, which was Wednesday afternoon.  In fact, he would be in the car driving up to L's place to have Thanksgiving dinner with her and her family and he could chat as he dove.  Huh?  Dinner with her and her family??

For some reason that completely through me.  And now, with my new found thought of not beating myself up over my feelings I have this strange desire to tell L.  To confess my jealously.  To which it only gets crazier.

A long time ago L confessed her school-girl-like crush on Steven Tyler.  Of course I joked and teased her about this, but I find that I can no longer listen to Aerosmith!

Weird, but true.

It may be a pre-therapy Ativan kind of day tomorrow........

This morning was one of those good sessions.  The kind where I leave and feel a warmth inside, much like hot chocolate on a cold day.

I know it's probably hard to tell from my posts but I really think I've made progress, and I think we're now getting to a deeper place, the place where I need to be.

We talked alot about the ice cream place today and it felt really good, and then we talked about the parallels between the process I've gone through with potentially buying this business and how I can take what I've learned and accomplished and use it in real life.

Normally I keep most things to myself, especially if they're not 'normal' or 'rational'. As someone who has worked in a corporate setting for over 20 years and by some standards 'climbed the ladder' and become a successful manager(leader?), the active pursuit of looking to be an ice cream shop owner seems a little strange and uncomfortable.  But oddly, at the same time as 'conservative' as my career path may seem, I'm definitely not traditional, so owning an ice cream shop really is more 'me'.

But what L was trying to get me to see was how different this experience has been for me.  I've put myself out there.  I've talked to almost anyone who was willing to listen, and have been pleasantly surprised with the supportive reactions I've gotten.  No one, at least to my face, has ridiculed the idea or said I'm crazy.  Most have not only been supportive they have even offered tangible help.  And being open, and vulnerable about this stage in my life has given me some confidence in being open about other less-fun things. 

We then talked more about attachment stuff, and my strong, torturous, or is it tumultuous reaction to her, and 2 other people in my life.  The overwhelming desire for a strong connection and the frailness of my feelings. We talked about my unwillingness to accept these feelings.  That I'm in constant internal turmoil and it affects me to the core.

She said it's ok for me to have sister/mother bond with her and that in 10 or 20 years she hopes that I still hear her voice in my head.

She also brought up that she'd like me to join a group; a women's group.  She said she's been thinking about one in particular that typically meets for 6 month stints.  Of course I colorfully debated this with her.  What the hell was she thinking?  A group of women???  No way.  I'd spend half my time making fun of them in my head, and then the other half the time I would be fighting with attachment crap.  I told her that I have enough trouble in couple's therapy, never mind a whole group of women!

She agreed that it would be very difficult for me at first, but she thinks I would greatly benefit from it.  I think I'll have to think about that for a while, a long while.

It was ok.  Not great, but I left feeling better.  Even though as I walked out of her office I sarcastically told her that I didn't.  It certainly wasn't one of those sessions where I talked alot, in fact she did most of the talking. 

She asked me if the text she sent on Thursday was too harsh (the one in which she said I have 'multiple assets'), I told her it was.  I told her that what I heard was 'suck it up'.  She said that wasn't what she meant.  I told her I also heard 'go talk to someone else'.  She said that wasn't the message she was trying to send.  She actually wishes I would have talked to her more, even texted her more.  In fact she would have preferred a phone call, but that's too scary for me right now.

That floored me.  In no way did I think she wanted me to talk to her more. I really thought she was sick of me,

I keep feeling like I'm too much, too needy, too dependent, too crazy.  She says I'm none of those things.  She says I don't ask for what I want. 

I told her that I hate how strong my reaction to her is, so we talked about that for a while.  So much of it is abandonment crap, and she also has to struggle with the ghost-of-my-therapist-past. She does really live in the shadows of what happened with Claire.  I wonder does that wound ever really heal, or is it like death in that you just learn to live with it.

Other than my daughter, L is the most important person in my life right now. Is that weird?  Of course I have other people that mean the world to me, but for some reason L draws the biggest reactions from me, both positive and negative.  Is that weird?

Today I can shake the feelings of wanting to touch base with her.  No particular reason.  I think I'm just sick of fighting with myself.  Maybe I'm ready to just simply accept what I feel?.........if it were only that easy.

Nothing really much to say, or write, but at the same time still wanting to.  I haven't exchanged any more texts with L but I am supposed to have an appointment with her tomorrow morning.  Not quite sure how I feel about that or what to expect.  I'm still angry with her and not trusting of her.  How do you trust someone enough to tell them you don't trust them? 

I keep trying to find a place where it doesn't matter so much to me, where she doesn't matter to me.  How do I get there?

I can't choose how I feel, right?  So I can't choose that she means so much.  Can I? 

So fine, I care, you matter.  Now how do I not let that crush me? 

And why can't I decide that she doesn't matter?  Why can't I just walk away?  Ahhhhh, this is the transference crap isn't it?  Actually which is the transference stuff, her mattering too much or my over reaction?