Will I ever run out of irrational thoughts? And even though I hate the continued exchange, at the same time it was like a release for me.
(last night's text)
Me: I'm trying to figure out a way not to hate you right now. my head knows better, but the 3 year old is winning.
L: Don't let the 3 year old win you are a woman with multiple assets use them in creating a better feeling. I am here I just can't see you tomorrow but I'm happy to see you monday, I have some openings
After getting that response from her I was able to put it somewhat out of my mind for a while. But now that I've just reread and typed it I see that she is starting to push me away. It's hidden in 'you are a woman with multiple assets use them....'. Why wrap it that way instead of just saying it out right 'go talk to someone else'.
I'm not a 'spot' or an 'opening'. You said the dependence was good, was ok, so now that I've taken the bait it's time to release me?
On a completely different note, and the main reason I was able to distract myself from transference hell last night was that we went and saw a medium......yes, a medium, someone who talks to the dead. I don't even know how to describe it. She was way to accurate and provided too much detail for it not to be true, but at the same time it's not something I can wrap my head around. Was my dad really in that room, did he really say those things? There's no way she could have known those things, or have been so spot on with her description of my dad. Not his physical description, but the man, and the father he was.
I'll have to write more about it later.
Friday, November 11, 2011
Thursday, November 10, 2011
More irrational thoughts....
Normally I see L every Friday at 7:30am, along with another day during the week, usually Tuesday. But this week I saw her Tuesday, freaked out and saw her again Wednesday night. When I was leaving she asked about my Friday morning appointment, and of course inside the struggle starts. My real initial reaction is 'Absolutely, you know I'd come everyday if you let me, in fact I'll just sleep in your office overnight and save myself some gas'. But then the thoughts of 'what's the matter with you, three times in one week, that's crazy, and there's no way she wants to see you again...'. So what comes out of my mouth is 'No, let's just hold off until next week'.
Then phase 2 kicks in. I start regretting not keeping the appointment. My thoughts become completely consumed around this. I finally decided to text to see if I can still see her on Friday morning.
Then phase 3, the waiting. But it's actually not too bad, I've become better at it, more confident that she'll be there for me.
Then phase 3a, more waiting. This time it's been more than 12 hours since I sent the message. I start going down the 'she hates me' rabbit hole, but I quickly pull myself out of it, telling myself that she probably didn't even get the message, so I resend the text.
Now the just-got-kicked-in-the-stomach phase, she replies back with 'Sorry, left my phone at home I filled that spot yesterday'
The sad-realization phase starts, "I filled that spot? So I'm really just a fucking spot? Why do I do this to myself? and really, she filled a Friday at 7:30 in the morning appointment that just became available? Seriously? Bullshit. And why didn't she offer another time?"
Then I get another text "I could do something Friday night'.
I start to fall for that, like maybe she does care. But then I realize that I can't do this Friday night I have tickets to a performance, and she knows that, we've talked about it a bunch of times.
However, I give her the benefit of the doubt, tell her I have to leave by 5:00pm to go to the show (you know, the one we've talked about 100 times!) and ask if she could do any earlier. And I get back "No, sorry"
Fuck you.
Now I know my reaction isn't normal and what happened probably isn't a reflection of how she feels towards me, and I know I'm behaving like a three year old, but knowing all that doesn't change how I feel.
This is so silly, but all I want to do is go home, crawl into bed, and shut the world off. I will stew about this for the next 4 days, debating back and forth about seeing her next Tuesday morning. I don't want to need her. I don't want it to matter to me. I just want to take my ball and go home.
Normally I see L every Friday at 7:30am, along with another day during the week, usually Tuesday. But this week I saw her Tuesday, freaked out and saw her again Wednesday night. When I was leaving she asked about my Friday morning appointment, and of course inside the struggle starts. My real initial reaction is 'Absolutely, you know I'd come everyday if you let me, in fact I'll just sleep in your office overnight and save myself some gas'. But then the thoughts of 'what's the matter with you, three times in one week, that's crazy, and there's no way she wants to see you again...'. So what comes out of my mouth is 'No, let's just hold off until next week'.
Then phase 2 kicks in. I start regretting not keeping the appointment. My thoughts become completely consumed around this. I finally decided to text to see if I can still see her on Friday morning.
Then phase 3, the waiting. But it's actually not too bad, I've become better at it, more confident that she'll be there for me.
Then phase 3a, more waiting. This time it's been more than 12 hours since I sent the message. I start going down the 'she hates me' rabbit hole, but I quickly pull myself out of it, telling myself that she probably didn't even get the message, so I resend the text.
Now the just-got-kicked-in-the-stomach phase, she replies back with 'Sorry, left my phone at home I filled that spot yesterday'
The sad-realization phase starts, "I filled that spot? So I'm really just a fucking spot? Why do I do this to myself? and really, she filled a Friday at 7:30 in the morning appointment that just became available? Seriously? Bullshit. And why didn't she offer another time?"
Then I get another text "I could do something Friday night'.
I start to fall for that, like maybe she does care. But then I realize that I can't do this Friday night I have tickets to a performance, and she knows that, we've talked about it a bunch of times.
However, I give her the benefit of the doubt, tell her I have to leave by 5:00pm to go to the show (you know, the one we've talked about 100 times!) and ask if she could do any earlier. And I get back "No, sorry"
Fuck you.
Now I know my reaction isn't normal and what happened probably isn't a reflection of how she feels towards me, and I know I'm behaving like a three year old, but knowing all that doesn't change how I feel.
This is so silly, but all I want to do is go home, crawl into bed, and shut the world off. I will stew about this for the next 4 days, debating back and forth about seeing her next Tuesday morning. I don't want to need her. I don't want it to matter to me. I just want to take my ball and go home.
Warning: This may not make sense to anyone but me, and even then I'm not so sure.....
Why can't I accept this 'relationship'? I told L yesterday that I didn't want it to matter to me, that's my goal. She asked me 'how's that working for you?' knowing damn well the answer, 'It's not working for me!'.
I also know (only in my head) that I feel better, much, much better when I do accept how much she means to me, but I keep fighting it. Why?
After interviewing numerous T's a couple years ago I knew right away after meeting L that I wanted to work with her. It's this weird sense that I get from certain people, that I feel a fairly instant connection. It doesn't happen very often.
It's like I go merrily along for a while, and then stuff builds up inside me and I finally crack. I met with L on Tuesday morning, and by Tuesday afternoon I sent this text:
Me: Do you know what's worse than you leaving? The day we meet when you come back. Too many (stupid) high hopes. I wish I said more, but at the same time I feel like I have nothing to say. Sorry for the ranty-like text, just left feeling angry, or maybe frustrated. Like I went to a banquet but I didn't eat. In some places I see progress and in others I see the same old crap. And I'm really sorry for directing this at you, it's not fair to you, I get that. When does 'being normal' kick in? Are you keeping me at bay for a reason? Is there a reason I can't know where you went? Is there a reason that I want to know? Sorry, too much crap floating around. I think my reason for seeing you isn't healthy, what I want isn't 'normal', 'pathetic' comes to mind.......probably shouldn't have sent this, just drama. Mostly just pissed at me.
L: Not pissed at you I want to help you say things, good, bad, indifferent. I want to hear you. I don't want you to leave feeling badly.
So I text her Wednesday morning asking if she had time to meet, and thank goodness she did.
I go in all anxiety-ridden, my heart racing, talking to fast, and avoiding a serious conversation by being avoidantly-funny(I'm sure this is a word).
I am able to get some stuff out, but only some, although I think she understands. She tells me that everything I've expressed is normal, that I'm not crazy, that it's ok to need her. I continue to fight it. I tell her that I hate that I can't give her back a book that she had lent me. I finished it months ago, but I'm unwilling to part with it. She said it's ok to want a 'transitional object', and she has clients who have taken pictures of them together and they hold on to that. She reiterated "nothing wrong with that'.
Of course in my most sarcastic, wise-ass tone I tell her first 'as far as I'm concerned you don't have any other clients, and second, of course there's something wrong with it, that's why they give it a special name 'transitional object'! I don't want these fucking feelings. I don't want it to matter.
Why?
There are other people in my life that matter to me and I don't fight those feelings, and they also don't consume me.
Why can't I accept this 'relationship'? I told L yesterday that I didn't want it to matter to me, that's my goal. She asked me 'how's that working for you?' knowing damn well the answer, 'It's not working for me!'.
I also know (only in my head) that I feel better, much, much better when I do accept how much she means to me, but I keep fighting it. Why?
After interviewing numerous T's a couple years ago I knew right away after meeting L that I wanted to work with her. It's this weird sense that I get from certain people, that I feel a fairly instant connection. It doesn't happen very often.
It's like I go merrily along for a while, and then stuff builds up inside me and I finally crack. I met with L on Tuesday morning, and by Tuesday afternoon I sent this text:
Me: Do you know what's worse than you leaving? The day we meet when you come back. Too many (stupid) high hopes. I wish I said more, but at the same time I feel like I have nothing to say. Sorry for the ranty-like text, just left feeling angry, or maybe frustrated. Like I went to a banquet but I didn't eat. In some places I see progress and in others I see the same old crap. And I'm really sorry for directing this at you, it's not fair to you, I get that. When does 'being normal' kick in? Are you keeping me at bay for a reason? Is there a reason I can't know where you went? Is there a reason that I want to know? Sorry, too much crap floating around. I think my reason for seeing you isn't healthy, what I want isn't 'normal', 'pathetic' comes to mind.......probably shouldn't have sent this, just drama. Mostly just pissed at me.
L: Not pissed at you I want to help you say things, good, bad, indifferent. I want to hear you. I don't want you to leave feeling badly.
So I text her Wednesday morning asking if she had time to meet, and thank goodness she did.
I go in all anxiety-ridden, my heart racing, talking to fast, and avoiding a serious conversation by being avoidantly-funny(I'm sure this is a word).
I am able to get some stuff out, but only some, although I think she understands. She tells me that everything I've expressed is normal, that I'm not crazy, that it's ok to need her. I continue to fight it. I tell her that I hate that I can't give her back a book that she had lent me. I finished it months ago, but I'm unwilling to part with it. She said it's ok to want a 'transitional object', and she has clients who have taken pictures of them together and they hold on to that. She reiterated "nothing wrong with that'.
Of course in my most sarcastic, wise-ass tone I tell her first 'as far as I'm concerned you don't have any other clients, and second, of course there's something wrong with it, that's why they give it a special name 'transitional object'! I don't want these fucking feelings. I don't want it to matter.
Why?
There are other people in my life that matter to me and I don't fight those feelings, and they also don't consume me.
Friday, November 4, 2011
I haven't had a 'text banter' with L in a while, but we had one yesterday. She's away at some conference (or so she says) so we don't get to meet for our normally scheduled Friday morning session. Ok, I admit that I really like seeing her twice a week, I think we've accomplished so much more, and the Friday sessions are usually the best. Maybe not always the most productive, but I guess that's in the eye of the beholder!
So when we were talking on Wednesday about her being gone for the rest of the week (can you say 'abandonement'??!!) she was trying to assure me that she was still available, and she's not leaving, and she'll be back. In my most adult tone I told her that I'm convinced that she'll be dumping me soon and that she'll probably be moving to Iceland!
So with that little background, here's our exchange from Wednesday night to Thursday:
Me: Picked up a communication board at lunch.....and I heard a rumor that your conference was cancelled :).....can't blame a girl for trying
Me: So how's Iceland? Friday morning won't be the same.
Me: Maybe I'll just go hang out in your parking lot.
L: Iceland is great but I will not be staying past Monday promise
Me: You could have said it was horrible...would have made me feel better
L: Feel better beautiful day all is good
Me: Dark and brooding.....not really, just putting out the catholic guilt
L: Catholic guilt is a powerful thing use it well
Me: It appears you're immune to it, need to find a backup plan
L: Not necessary straight forward is the best communication for me
Me: I guess that's my backup plan
I'm sure many therapist wouldn't be comfortable with texting, and I totally get that. It certainly is wrought with potential pitfalls, and we've definitely had our issues, but when it works, it really works. Just this brief exchange allowed me to continue feeling connected to L, and I'm just gonna try and enjoy that ........at least for today, or this moment.
So when we were talking on Wednesday about her being gone for the rest of the week (can you say 'abandonement'??!!) she was trying to assure me that she was still available, and she's not leaving, and she'll be back. In my most adult tone I told her that I'm convinced that she'll be dumping me soon and that she'll probably be moving to Iceland!
So with that little background, here's our exchange from Wednesday night to Thursday:
Me: Picked up a communication board at lunch.....and I heard a rumor that your conference was cancelled :).....can't blame a girl for trying
Me: So how's Iceland? Friday morning won't be the same.
Me: Maybe I'll just go hang out in your parking lot.
L: Iceland is great but I will not be staying past Monday promise
Me: You could have said it was horrible...would have made me feel better
L: Feel better beautiful day all is good
Me: Dark and brooding.....not really, just putting out the catholic guilt
L: Catholic guilt is a powerful thing use it well
Me: It appears you're immune to it, need to find a backup plan
L: Not necessary straight forward is the best communication for me
Me: I guess that's my backup plan
I'm sure many therapist wouldn't be comfortable with texting, and I totally get that. It certainly is wrought with potential pitfalls, and we've definitely had our issues, but when it works, it really works. Just this brief exchange allowed me to continue feeling connected to L, and I'm just gonna try and enjoy that ........at least for today, or this moment.
Thursday, November 3, 2011
I sometimes wonder if I'm my own worse enemy. Maybe I dwell too much in the land of 'everything is crap'. To quote Monty Python maybe I should 'always look on the bright side of life'. Does this blog keep me in therapy-emotional-hell? Should I try and focus on good/funny things that happen in my life and write about that?
L was telling me yesterday that as much as I want to be the dark-brooding type, I'm really not. But I really, really want to be. Who would I be if I'm not that person? Maybe it's just all in my head. Why would I not want to give that up?
L was telling me yesterday that as much as I want to be the dark-brooding type, I'm really not. But I really, really want to be. Who would I be if I'm not that person? Maybe it's just all in my head. Why would I not want to give that up?
Wednesday, November 2, 2011
L and I were talking today about me hating that I need her, that I'm overly dependent on her, that I like (sort of) seeing her twice a week. She keeps telling me that what I'm feeling is 'ok' but I keep fighting it. I don't want to need her, it just feels like it's too much. Fuck
I know that when I accept how I feel about her I do actually feel better, but then the doubts creep in, or some trust is broken and it's like a house of cards that just come tumbling down. This constant push-pull is gonna wear me out.
Normally I would see her again this Friday but she's away at a conference. Hate that. She said she's still available via phone, although she said she knows that I would never call but I can text all I want. I did send her a wise-ass text a few minutes ago '.....I heard a rumor that your conference got cancelled :).......can't blame a girl for trying.'
I feel like such a therapy freak. Is it really ok to need someone so much?
She said today that someday I'll laugh about this. That I'll realize that these feelings of dependency won't always be there and right now it's sort of like a means to an end.
I know that when I accept how I feel about her I do actually feel better, but then the doubts creep in, or some trust is broken and it's like a house of cards that just come tumbling down. This constant push-pull is gonna wear me out.
Normally I would see her again this Friday but she's away at a conference. Hate that. She said she's still available via phone, although she said she knows that I would never call but I can text all I want. I did send her a wise-ass text a few minutes ago '.....I heard a rumor that your conference got cancelled :).......can't blame a girl for trying.'
I feel like such a therapy freak. Is it really ok to need someone so much?
She said today that someday I'll laugh about this. That I'll realize that these feelings of dependency won't always be there and right now it's sort of like a means to an end.
Tuesday, November 1, 2011
Just random musings.....
Went to a funeral today and during the service I kept wondering what kind of legacy will I leave? Will I have impacted people's lives in a positive way? Will I be described with kindness, not contempt? I guess I better make a better effort!
After the funeral I was talking with some friends of the deceased, they must have been in their late 70's and they were describing how thankful they were for their lives, and their health. They both admit having gone through tough times but they both concluded that every day they wake up is a good day. I want to adopt that attitude.
We met with current owners of the ice cream shop over the weekend, and it went really, really well. They weren't expecting us (their season doesn't end until next weekend) but they invited us in and gave us a full tour of the shop, answered all kinds of questions, gave us some ideas for expansion, and even gave us some recipes! We'll meet again the Saturday after Thanksgiving and that's when will get done to the details and figures (although they did share some high level figures the other day). Then assuming everything looks doable I'll finish the business plan and start begging banks for money. We have a realtor coming this weekend to asses our house so we can start to put it on the market. The shop that we're buying as an attached house so we would live there. It's starting to feel real!
My therapist L has to go to a conference at the end of this week so she won't be available in person on Thursday and Friday. Why does that bother me? Like she's leaving me. I know it's not true, but I still feel sad about it.
However, on the flip-side I did cancel my first appointment with her on Monday. Due to her going away I was scheduled to see her Monday and Wednesday this week. But I decided as I just saw her Friday that I didn't really 'need' to see her on Monday. That's never happened before, I ALWAYS jump at the chance to see her, but I was mostly ok with not going.
Went to a funeral today and during the service I kept wondering what kind of legacy will I leave? Will I have impacted people's lives in a positive way? Will I be described with kindness, not contempt? I guess I better make a better effort!
After the funeral I was talking with some friends of the deceased, they must have been in their late 70's and they were describing how thankful they were for their lives, and their health. They both admit having gone through tough times but they both concluded that every day they wake up is a good day. I want to adopt that attitude.
We met with current owners of the ice cream shop over the weekend, and it went really, really well. They weren't expecting us (their season doesn't end until next weekend) but they invited us in and gave us a full tour of the shop, answered all kinds of questions, gave us some ideas for expansion, and even gave us some recipes! We'll meet again the Saturday after Thanksgiving and that's when will get done to the details and figures (although they did share some high level figures the other day). Then assuming everything looks doable I'll finish the business plan and start begging banks for money. We have a realtor coming this weekend to asses our house so we can start to put it on the market. The shop that we're buying as an attached house so we would live there. It's starting to feel real!
My therapist L has to go to a conference at the end of this week so she won't be available in person on Thursday and Friday. Why does that bother me? Like she's leaving me. I know it's not true, but I still feel sad about it.
However, on the flip-side I did cancel my first appointment with her on Monday. Due to her going away I was scheduled to see her Monday and Wednesday this week. But I decided as I just saw her Friday that I didn't really 'need' to see her on Monday. That's never happened before, I ALWAYS jump at the chance to see her, but I was mostly ok with not going.
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