The Mind is a Terrible Thing to Waste....

We went on a mini-vacation over the past few days.  And I can't believe it, but I even had a pretty good time! I think the key is to set your expectations low!  M's older sister was turning 65 so she rented a place in South Carolina, Edisto Beach.  The 3 of us flew, and we met up with M's sister, two nieces, and their families.

As were were standing in line yesterday morning at the airport I saw this woman who looked so much like L.  Obviously it wasn't, but I couldn't help staring at her.  It got me wondering, do other people 'look' for their t's in crowds?

With C, who was my first t many, many years ago, I would always look for her in crowds.  In fact, I still do today, although it's not as bad as it used to me.  I wonder what the appeal is.

Last year for our anniversary my partner surprised me with a quick weekend away (sans child!!!) and tickets to go see James Taylor and Carol King.  Talk about checking off something on your bucket list!!  I was so excited. I had never seen either of them in concert, and now to see them together was a great surprise!

We were having a great time that weekend, including some great spa treatments.  I was totally not thinking of C (ex-T), or L  at all, but apparently transference never rests!  While we were waiting for the show to start, and talking to a woman in front of us with a pristine copy of her Tapestry album, I started playing my favorite pastime of people watching.  Maybe I was subconsciously looking, but to the left of us, about 100 feet away was a woman who I was convinced was L, and she was sitting with a guy, who I was convinced was her (ugh) boyfriend!

So some more weird transference stuff with L is that she is a widow, her husband died in a car crash about 7 years ago, and the thought of her having a boyfriend is very upsetting to me.  Not sure why, but I prefer to always look at her as the grieving widow.  I suppose I'll save that for another post.....

Anyway while getting all worked up staring at this woman and her male companion (definitely her brother, not boyfriend!) what happened next just sent me in a whirlwind that lasted the rest of the weekend. 

C, my ex-T-who-ripped-my-heart-out-and-crushed-me, was petite, Jewish, from New York, and had dirty blond hair.  Guess who I also just described???  Carol King!!!  Totally freaked me out.  Although I enjoyed the show immensely, I was thrust into all-consuming mind-fuck (sorry for the language!). 
Here's what I wrote in my journal:

June 13, 2010

So how do I describe what was going on for me from Friday until now?  Do I even bother?  Friday morning I was kind of a nut (see above entry), by Friday afternoon I had done some self talk stuff and was able to get myself into a good place.  I was good Friday, Saturday morning, afternoon, and then something happened at the concert and I snapped.  I was trying to hold it together during the concert, and I did for the most part.  I really, really enjoyed the concert, it truly was magically.  But then I was also preoccupied with that woman who looked liked, or at least reminded me a lot of L, and then Carol King, with her looks and her warmth reminded me of C.  I was in transference hell.  I couldn’t sleep all night I just kept thinking about L and C.   And this morning while starting to get ready to leave the hotel I started to have an anxiety attack, all I wanted to do was call L.  I didn’t, but I did listen to the voice mail she left me the other day.  It was sort of helpful.  She’s so supportive, but then it was also the message about insurance/money/having other clients.  In my head I know one thing, but emotionally I’m a child.  Is the problem, emotionally I never grew up?  I never progressed out of stages? 

The whole time during the concert and then after that and then while being up all night, my mind wouldn’t stop.  My desire to see C was intensified while watching Carol King.  Every time she smiled, her warmth would show through and I’d just think of C and wanting to connect with her. My mind was so gone last night, and now I’m just sad, depressed, and a bit anxious.

It certainly made for an interesting evening! 

Not Quite Sure How I Feel

Had my usual Wednesday morning session today.  I guess by all accounts it was good. But at the same time I left feeling  that I was missing something. That I didn't get something that I wanted, I didn't get some crazy need met. But I honestly don't know what it was that I wanted.

I didn't go in wanting or needing to talk about anything in particular.  But I always long for a deep level of connectedness (is that a word?) that for the most part seems to only happen when we have some sort of misunderstanding, or I twist a particular incident or conversation or comment or action or text which causes me to have a strong reaction.  So it's weird,   for me to feel a strong connection, I need to have some sort of inner turmoil going on?  Some rupture between the two of us?  Some weird sort of cause-and-effect?

It's just not enough for me to sit and have a good conversation?  Of course more than 'Nice weather we're having', or 'We went and saw the movie Bridesmaids and loved it'.  We even talked about my reaction to Father's Day this year and the death of my dad.  All in all is was good, but not enough.  Why?

We've had this sort of discussion before, why every session doesn't have to be the Bell Jar, and I understand, but I'm still left feeling the same way.

I don't even know if this made any sense.

My T Made Me Get a Nose Ring!

Text exchange with L yesterday....

Me:  Just a rant, no need to rely, just another crappy day, and yesterday, well I guess father's day will always suck, wont it?  Can't stand to be with people, can't stand to be with myself. Ready to quit my job. Maybe run away to a nice warm climate and open up an ice cream bar.  Sorry for the downer, just frustrated with myself, my life right now.

L: We all have days like this let it out then get rid of it I believe you are doing all the right things to change your job situation but its certainly frustrating that its not happening quicker so dream about ice cream in warm weather and today's blue feelings won't last forever.  Quitting your job is not the answer.

Me:  Stop being so sensible! Gonna go get my nose pierced, maybe that will make me feel better.

L:  That would definitely help and also look cool

So naturally I took this as encouragement and a therapeutic recommendation.  A few hours later.....

Me:  You were right on both counts

I suppose even if they did have cards for today, who would you give them too?  I guess Happy Dead Father's Day isn't really what Hallmark had in mind. It's father's day in the states today, but I don't know what to do with myself.  My dad died 3 years ago so you'd think by now I'd handle it better, but I feel a little lost today.

Like my brothers and sisters, I too changed my Facebook profile pic to be a picture of my dad.  We've done this in the past, on his birthday, or on the day he died.  I always make sure that the photo I use represents who my dad was.  One that captures my dad.  One that shows the sparkle in his eyes, and his smile that always seemed to have more to it, like he got caught doing something mischievous.  Long before Alzheimer's sucked the life out of him.  Long before the hollowness replaced the sparkle.

I suppose I could go to the cemetery, I've only been there once since he died.  And even then I could only look at the front of the stone, never the back, where seeing his name engraved would be too much for me.  But I also know I wouldn't find him there.  He isn't anywhere.

I hate that my 5 year old daughter will never know him, and he will never know her.  Sure I can tell her stories, and share his silly jokes with her, but she will never get his essence.

My dad wasn't an angel, and he wasn't perfect, but he was an amazing person and father.  And I still think of him everyday.

Oddly enough I haven't ruminated too much about therapy this week.  So the drive or overwhelming need/want/desire to blog about it hasn't been there.  Not sure if that's a good thing or not.

Things went well with T on Wednesday.  I was a bit nervous, but I talked.  Which for me is always huge. 

When I first started to see L, about a year and a half ago, the sessions were the typical 50-60 minutes.  Although there were many, many times we would go to at least 90 minutes, and a couple of intense sessions that I think went 2 hours. 

Most people who know me wouldn't categorize me as shy, but when I'm one-on-one with someone I have a very hard time talking.  One of my biggest fears is being alone with someone.  So with L, my sessions would start out somewhat slow, and she would keep the topics fairly lite, until I became more comfortable.  After figuring this out, probably about 4 months into my therapy, we changed the sessions to be officially 90 minutes, and that really has been helpful for me.  In fact, I can't see how 50 minutes would be beneficial for anyone.  You just get started, and it's time to go!

Anyway, as I had posted in my previous entry, I really wanted to be 'authentic' with her today, or as authentic as I could be!  At some point I was able to make reference to the 'not talking = power' for me.  Honestly I had thought we had talked about this before, but maybe not, so we discussed it for a while.  Although that dynamic happens a bit with my partner, to me it's even more apparent with L.  With my partner M I will shutdown when I'm hurt, or upset, or angry, but with L I get to a point when I'm hurt, or upset, or angry, where I weigh my words.  Where I convince myself not to say anything to her.  I actually go back-and-forth in my head and it typically ends with me 'keeping my power' and not telling her anything.  She told me that most people don't go through this thought process.  That surprised me.

We talked about dreams too.  I forget how we got to this topic but I told her that I think some dreams, even if they're a bit weird, do relate to what's going on in my head and in my life.  But I said that I didn't think this was always true, that sometimes dreams really didn't mean anything at all.  She disagreed and said that she thinks that dreams really do reflect past, present, and future.  And it really is your subconscious at work.  I'm not sure I totally agree with her, but she certainly a couple of compelling stories that backed up her theory.

As a kid I was quite a tomboy, and I guess I am now too, and I've always LOVED baseball.  Part of it has to do with growing up in the Northeast part of the US where rivalries run deep!  As a little girl, when rules were changed to allow girls to officially play baseball with boys, I was the first girl to play for my city.  So this probably why , the dream that I continue to have since a little girl has to do with baseball.  In my dream I am up at bat and hit the ball, but  I'm unable to run.  I am just stuck.  I try with all my might to move, even crawl, but I can't.  I tell this to L and she thinks it has something to do with my life long ability to just be myself, to be who I want to be. 
Overall it was a good session, I didn't fight myself over what I can and can't tell her.......we'll see how long this lasts.

Pre-t Ramblings

I see L in less than 2 hours and I'm nervous and hoping I can do this.  Hoping I can be myself, say what I'm thinking, express what I'm feeling.  Even if it's not perfect, even if it's not clear, even when I tell myself not to.

I think.

I think that's what I want, but the pit-of-my-stomach seems to have other ideas. It all feels too much. 

I described it once to her as a 'craving'.  Because of who she is she took 'craving' to mean a good thing, which totally floored me.  I can't imagine any situation where craving would be perceived in a good way. 

Sometimes I wonder if she's just wearing her therapist's-hat when she's all supportive of me and validating my feelings, or if she truly believes the crap she says to me.....the constant fear of being tricked.

Why Does Not Talking = Power?

I guess we all make a subconscious decision about how we retreat, about how we take care of our selves, about how we survive.  For me the only 'power' I had was to not talk.  I could soothe myself by turning inward, but I also knew I was lashing out by not saying anything.  I hate that it always goes back to my parents, in particular my mother, but my inability to express myself and my feelings was my shield of armor against her.  You see for her, my withdrawal drove her crazy; it frustrated the hell out of her.  And that my friends is something I totally relished!

But now instead of a shield it's more of a scar, or maybe a wound, I think.  You see my modus operandi keeps me frustrated, probably like the way I frustrated my mother(can you say 'what comes around goes around'???)  Part of my constant push-pull, especially with L has to do with me giving up my imagined power.  I've been thinking about this the past couple of days, and it caused me to send this text to her:

Me:  Wishing I could talk to you right now.  No particular reason I guess, just feeling blah, in need of a pick-me-up.  It will probably be gone by tomorrow morning and I'll be my usual distant self.  Oh, and I deny sending this too.

L:   You can call me now or any time today.  But if it doesn't work for you I hope you are still in the mood to talk tomorrow.  I am interested in your thoughts, so talk to me.

Me:  Thanks, I'm ok, just tired.  I can't make any promises about tomorrow, but it helps to know you're still there.


I'm so much braver via text.  I could never say in person even half the things I text her.  And seriously, what more would L have to do for me to trust her and believe her, and to give up this false perception of power?  Actually, I think I now realize it's not her who has to change.....