Is the love-hate, push-pull all transference? I know everything isn't black-or-white, I hate that things aren't that clear, but I accept it! But for the most part I can weed through the gray and figure out where I stand or how I want to go forward. So for the things I can't, does that mean the big T is at work?
As usual, one minute I can feel very warmly towards L and then the next minute I can question her intension, and even her integrity. I have a childhood fear of being 'tricked' and that's always present. I don't know why it's there, but it is.
I also have a fear of talking. Like if I talk too much I give up power and that's a bad, bad thing.
My text between L the other day:
Me: Trying to figure out what to do with last nights crap. Trying to keep it contained but I'm having trouble making sense of it. Not sure how to be with M right now. Also it's like you were different with me, I feel lie I failed and I feel like you were not upfront. But I'm also trying to see my role in it. I guess I'm telling you this just to tell you. I guess there's more but I'm brave via text so I don't want to abuse it.
L: It will all come together still needs sorting out you failed nothing it will become clear and a direction will be chosen that will make sense and be easy like I said last night starting is the hard part.
Unfortunately this exchange didn't help at all. I continue to wonder if I fight it/her so I don't have to deal with other things.
Monday, June 13, 2011
An Odd Dream
I had a dream last night about an old therapist. She was the one I worked with for about a year before I started seeing L. In fact she and L work at a college together and she gave me L's number. This exT was a nice person but definitely not for me. She was totally CBT and didn't get me nor my longing for a connection.
So in this dream I am meeting her for therapy and as usual I was struggling to talk, struggling to communicate. I kept trying to get up the courage to talk but it wasn't happening. Then at one point I turned to her and she was gone, she had left a bit early. Funny that one of my issues IRL with her was that she never, ever, ever went over the time and occasionally she would could it short by a few minutes, mainly because I wasn't talking. That used to drive me crazy. I was measuring her 'care' by how long our session went.
My dream continued with me trying to call her. Frantically I searched and searched for her number and I couldn't find. Then I started looking on the internet for her number, but still no luck. Then all of a sudden I'm at her home, in her living room with her husband, and my partner is with me. My exT starts tell me that her and her husband were just discussing our session, in a limited way though. I tell my exT that I didn't understand why she left early, that I had things to say, and I was really freaking out. My partner then speaks up and asks is my reaction just acting? She then starts to say that she thinks my problems are made up and once again it's all an act. My exT agrees.
I run from my exT's house and my partner and I start driving home, but I'm furious and want nothing to do with her. I am so blown away by her thinking that I'm making all this up. She on the hand doesn't think it's a big deal. The End.
I don't know what to make of this dream, but I'm certainly lost in thought about it. Any thoughts out there in blog-land??
So in this dream I am meeting her for therapy and as usual I was struggling to talk, struggling to communicate. I kept trying to get up the courage to talk but it wasn't happening. Then at one point I turned to her and she was gone, she had left a bit early. Funny that one of my issues IRL with her was that she never, ever, ever went over the time and occasionally she would could it short by a few minutes, mainly because I wasn't talking. That used to drive me crazy. I was measuring her 'care' by how long our session went.
My dream continued with me trying to call her. Frantically I searched and searched for her number and I couldn't find. Then I started looking on the internet for her number, but still no luck. Then all of a sudden I'm at her home, in her living room with her husband, and my partner is with me. My exT starts tell me that her and her husband were just discussing our session, in a limited way though. I tell my exT that I didn't understand why she left early, that I had things to say, and I was really freaking out. My partner then speaks up and asks is my reaction just acting? She then starts to say that she thinks my problems are made up and once again it's all an act. My exT agrees.
I run from my exT's house and my partner and I start driving home, but I'm furious and want nothing to do with her. I am so blown away by her thinking that I'm making all this up. She on the hand doesn't think it's a big deal. The End.
I don't know what to make of this dream, but I'm certainly lost in thought about it. Any thoughts out there in blog-land??
Friday, June 10, 2011
Post Session Ramble
Because I was traveling this week my T session was last night at 7:00pm instead of my usual Wednesday at 7:30am, so I haven't had much time to process/ruminate what we talked about, but I also think I'm avoiding it as well. Please take heed that what follows may not make any sense, but I'm working on it!
Am I mad at her? I don't know. Am I just using being mad at her so I don't have to think about other things? She did what I asked, what I needed, but I also felt criticized or maybe judged. That's what I'm afraid of feeling too if I bring M in. What if L finds out that I really am a self-centered ass. That all I'm concerned about is how I feel. That my reactions and expectations are selfish.
I felt a little lost and confused, like she was going down a path that I wasn't aware of. At times it seemed like she was trying to push my buttons too, like she was trying to get a reaction out of me. I also didn't like the assumptions or the conclusions that she was making based on the little information I was giving her. So was that real or was she trying to make a point? Was she playing a game of 'Based on what you've told me, this is how I see it....' in order to get me to give more detail? So confused for most of the session.
And it went by so fast. I honestly thought she ending the session early, but when I got to my car and looked at the clock, we had gone 25 minutes over. I was there for nearly 2 hours. That helped dilute my anger towards her.
I think she was playing me a bit, not so much in a bad way, and maybe manipulative is too strong, but I did ask her at one point was she trying to push my buttons to get a rise out of me. Maybe that's too harsh as well, but I do feel like she was trying to come in through the back door instead of coming at me straight.
At the end she sort of took the blame, or the ownership for directing the session in such a way. But I felt like I failed therapy today. During her lite-apology, she said that I'm probably not ready to get that deep. So for me it was like she took the blame for not realizing my inadequacies.
I also wonder if I'm now focusing more on the exchange with L and not the content of the discussion. Is it keeping me distracted so I don't have to deal with M?
I hope I can contain this for a while. I need a slow leak, not a full blown explosion.....or implosion.
Am I mad at her? I don't know. Am I just using being mad at her so I don't have to think about other things? She did what I asked, what I needed, but I also felt criticized or maybe judged. That's what I'm afraid of feeling too if I bring M in. What if L finds out that I really am a self-centered ass. That all I'm concerned about is how I feel. That my reactions and expectations are selfish.
I felt a little lost and confused, like she was going down a path that I wasn't aware of. At times it seemed like she was trying to push my buttons too, like she was trying to get a reaction out of me. I also didn't like the assumptions or the conclusions that she was making based on the little information I was giving her. So was that real or was she trying to make a point? Was she playing a game of 'Based on what you've told me, this is how I see it....' in order to get me to give more detail? So confused for most of the session.
And it went by so fast. I honestly thought she ending the session early, but when I got to my car and looked at the clock, we had gone 25 minutes over. I was there for nearly 2 hours. That helped dilute my anger towards her.
I think she was playing me a bit, not so much in a bad way, and maybe manipulative is too strong, but I did ask her at one point was she trying to push my buttons to get a rise out of me. Maybe that's too harsh as well, but I do feel like she was trying to come in through the back door instead of coming at me straight.
At the end she sort of took the blame, or the ownership for directing the session in such a way. But I felt like I failed therapy today. During her lite-apology, she said that I'm probably not ready to get that deep. So for me it was like she took the blame for not realizing my inadequacies.
I also wonder if I'm now focusing more on the exchange with L and not the content of the discussion. Is it keeping me distracted so I don't have to deal with M?
I hope I can contain this for a while. I need a slow leak, not a full blown explosion.....or implosion.
Monday, June 6, 2011
Maybe it Was All the Drugs I Did as a Kid
But I'm having weird, new, but sort of powerful feelings and thoughts.
I was sitting in the airport yesterday morning waiting for my flight and I was partaking in one of my favorite pastimes....people watching! It's cool to play it in the airport because you have the added mystery of where are they going? and why? And I get to add my own little mystery by being part of the pastime.....where am I going and why??
So as I scanned around gate 15 yesterday I had the strangest thought. What if everyday I woke up and looked forward to the mystery of what the day may bring for me? A bit of Carpe Diem? I've certainly had my share of crappy days, but I've also had my share of good days. Even days that make for good stories later on. Like the time I befriended an elderly millionairess at an airport.
Our flight, and all flights from Florida were cancelled and she was overwhelmed with concern for her dog who had been checked in with her bags. She did not know how to go about retrieving her dog. She had been recently widowed and her dog meant everything to her. So me and two other passengers helped this women by keeping her calm and more importantly finding her dog. She was so grateful that not only did she invite us to dinner, she also invited us to stay the night at her Floridian condo.
Of course, me, who doesn't trust a soul and has a hard time even socializing, normally would have thanked her for her offer but then quickly, and politely declined. However, this time was different. I think it had something to do with sharing a stressful event. I felt some sort of bond with these women, and also who doesn't melt at the thought of helping a widow in distress find her dog!
We still didn't have any clue, nor did it occur to any of us that this woman was very, very well off. Until of course we got to her beautiful condo, located on an amazing golf course. She then took us out for lobster dinner and we all had a great time. As we were both heading back to Boston, the next day I stayed with her the entire flight and we even shared a cab when we got home. Because we took her home first, I got to see the beautiful brownstone that she lived in right in the heart of Boston.
As I sit and wait for my plane I wonder who I'll meet on this trip.
Another totally new thought for me..iIt's ok for me to have needs. I was watching TV in my hotel room last night and these 4 women (all 'sister-wives'...but that's another story) are talking and one of the wives expresses her worry about having a specific need. I could totally relate. But the new experience for me was hearing the other sister-wives chime in and support this woman's needs. I guess God works in mysterious ways, but for the first time I actually started to consider the possibility that it's ok for me to have needs, and to get them met.
After I finished writing in my blog last night I lay in bed trying to fall asleep. But I'm not in my own home, my comfort zone, so my mind has a hard time shutting down. In my mind, my comfort zone tends to be my therapist's office, which then leads me to start thinking (again) about our recent text exchange. The one where I actually felt 'emotionally held' by her words. It then occurs to me that it's not her words that are new or different, it's me. I actually reached out to her and asked her for something. I opened myself up to the possibility. I'm not going to bring this down by contemplating what would have happened if she hadn't been there for me, but not now, not today. At least for one day.
Off to work.....I wonder what the day will bring.
I was sitting in the airport yesterday morning waiting for my flight and I was partaking in one of my favorite pastimes....people watching! It's cool to play it in the airport because you have the added mystery of where are they going? and why? And I get to add my own little mystery by being part of the pastime.....where am I going and why??
So as I scanned around gate 15 yesterday I had the strangest thought. What if everyday I woke up and looked forward to the mystery of what the day may bring for me? A bit of Carpe Diem? I've certainly had my share of crappy days, but I've also had my share of good days. Even days that make for good stories later on. Like the time I befriended an elderly millionairess at an airport.
Our flight, and all flights from Florida were cancelled and she was overwhelmed with concern for her dog who had been checked in with her bags. She did not know how to go about retrieving her dog. She had been recently widowed and her dog meant everything to her. So me and two other passengers helped this women by keeping her calm and more importantly finding her dog. She was so grateful that not only did she invite us to dinner, she also invited us to stay the night at her Floridian condo.
Of course, me, who doesn't trust a soul and has a hard time even socializing, normally would have thanked her for her offer but then quickly, and politely declined. However, this time was different. I think it had something to do with sharing a stressful event. I felt some sort of bond with these women, and also who doesn't melt at the thought of helping a widow in distress find her dog!
We still didn't have any clue, nor did it occur to any of us that this woman was very, very well off. Until of course we got to her beautiful condo, located on an amazing golf course. She then took us out for lobster dinner and we all had a great time. As we were both heading back to Boston, the next day I stayed with her the entire flight and we even shared a cab when we got home. Because we took her home first, I got to see the beautiful brownstone that she lived in right in the heart of Boston.
As I sit and wait for my plane I wonder who I'll meet on this trip.
Another totally new thought for me..iIt's ok for me to have needs. I was watching TV in my hotel room last night and these 4 women (all 'sister-wives'...but that's another story) are talking and one of the wives expresses her worry about having a specific need. I could totally relate. But the new experience for me was hearing the other sister-wives chime in and support this woman's needs. I guess God works in mysterious ways, but for the first time I actually started to consider the possibility that it's ok for me to have needs, and to get them met.
After I finished writing in my blog last night I lay in bed trying to fall asleep. But I'm not in my own home, my comfort zone, so my mind has a hard time shutting down. In my mind, my comfort zone tends to be my therapist's office, which then leads me to start thinking (again) about our recent text exchange. The one where I actually felt 'emotionally held' by her words. It then occurs to me that it's not her words that are new or different, it's me. I actually reached out to her and asked her for something. I opened myself up to the possibility. I'm not going to bring this down by contemplating what would have happened if she hadn't been there for me, but not now, not today. At least for one day.
Off to work.....I wonder what the day will bring.
Sunday, June 5, 2011
Being Emotionally Held
My current T hugs, thank goodness. But I have had T's in the past who don't hug. One in particular told me that it's too complicated and can be a slippery slope. Intellectually I agreed with her, but inside I craved a connection with someone and that would include a hug.
My first T sort of hugged. I mean we did hug, but it wasn't consistent, she initiated it, and we never talked about it. I remember struggling with my feelings towards her. I didn't have words for it. I felt so 'not normal'.
Eventually I Googled something like 'therapist hug', that's when I found a lot of information. Most didn't really make me feel better, but I did read that many therapist don't give physical hugs because they would rather have the client feel emotionally held by their words. To me, this felt like b.s.! Instead of coming out and saying they didn't want to go down that path, that potentially slippery slope, they therapize it away.
To me, the actual hug is like the 'nuts' on a hot fudge sundae. The sundae is definitely good, but the nuts add something extra (I'm sure there's something Freudian to the 'nuts' reference, but I leave that for another day...). But my text exchange this weekend has definitely given me something more to think about.
As a little back-story, lately my relationship with my partner M has been less than satisfactory. A lot of it is exacerbated my inability to talk or to express my feelings. So early Saturday morning, I' m up by myself and really worrying......
Me: Can I ask you to 'rescue me' a bit and make sure I talk about M and I next time? Maybe why it's hard to talk about too? Very manicy yesterday and then a bit of a crash when I got home. Thanks
L: happy to help you get perspectives on M and make it the best relationship it can be for you both. You just need to tell me more whats going on in your head. I want to hear. We can work on it and make you feel better by understanding how you can verbalize your feelings and help you with some wording. Just starting will make you feel better.
Me: Thanks, and thanks for being there
I often read and reread the texts messages that L and I exchange. I certainly get something from them. But this one was so different. I swear-to-god that I actually felt emotionally held, a text-hug! And it was awesome!
My first T sort of hugged. I mean we did hug, but it wasn't consistent, she initiated it, and we never talked about it. I remember struggling with my feelings towards her. I didn't have words for it. I felt so 'not normal'.
Eventually I Googled something like 'therapist hug', that's when I found a lot of information. Most didn't really make me feel better, but I did read that many therapist don't give physical hugs because they would rather have the client feel emotionally held by their words. To me, this felt like b.s.! Instead of coming out and saying they didn't want to go down that path, that potentially slippery slope, they therapize it away.
To me, the actual hug is like the 'nuts' on a hot fudge sundae. The sundae is definitely good, but the nuts add something extra (I'm sure there's something Freudian to the 'nuts' reference, but I leave that for another day...). But my text exchange this weekend has definitely given me something more to think about.
As a little back-story, lately my relationship with my partner M has been less than satisfactory. A lot of it is exacerbated my inability to talk or to express my feelings. So early Saturday morning, I' m up by myself and really worrying......
Me: Can I ask you to 'rescue me' a bit and make sure I talk about M and I next time? Maybe why it's hard to talk about too? Very manicy yesterday and then a bit of a crash when I got home. Thanks
L: happy to help you get perspectives on M and make it the best relationship it can be for you both. You just need to tell me more whats going on in your head. I want to hear. We can work on it and make you feel better by understanding how you can verbalize your feelings and help you with some wording. Just starting will make you feel better.
Me: Thanks, and thanks for being there
I often read and reread the texts messages that L and I exchange. I certainly get something from them. But this one was so different. I swear-to-god that I actually felt emotionally held, a text-hug! And it was awesome!
Friday, June 3, 2011
To Stop Fighting it and Being Authentic
To just be who I am. To just say what I feel. To be ok with it. As Brene Brown would say, To Be Authentic. To realize that my needs are important. To being ok with not having all the answers.
Wednesday, June 1, 2011
How Do I Stay the Course?
I need to figure out a way to bring myself back from the dark-side when I stop trusting and stop believing L. I need to stop myself from spinning out of control. It's hard, but it has to be doable. So, while I'm in a pretty good place I figure this would be a good time to come up with a plan, right?
I know she'd be ok with me texting or calling her, but it's a double-edged sword. The only way I would feel safe about contacting her is when I'm not all caught up in thinking she can't be trusted.
So how do I get off this roller coaster, this push-pull?
I also think that some of this is self-inflicted. There is something that draws me in. Maybe it's just what I'm used to, so that's naturally what I gravitate too?
A side question...for the most part I think people are in our lives for a reason. So, with L I truly believe she's in my life for a reason. But, am I in her life for a reason?
I know she'd be ok with me texting or calling her, but it's a double-edged sword. The only way I would feel safe about contacting her is when I'm not all caught up in thinking she can't be trusted.
So how do I get off this roller coaster, this push-pull?
I also think that some of this is self-inflicted. There is something that draws me in. Maybe it's just what I'm used to, so that's naturally what I gravitate too?
A side question...for the most part I think people are in our lives for a reason. So, with L I truly believe she's in my life for a reason. But, am I in her life for a reason?
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