I may just be starting to know it's not ME people are leaving.  It's just life. It happens.

Wow.

Don't misunderstand though, I am still pissed at her leaving this week.  How can I hold such opposing views? Although this morning I do feel a wee bit better.  But is it cause she's safely home now? Or because maybe under getting a better understanding of this? Or both I suppose. 

I don't like change either.  I think maybe it's just change that I can't control? Interesting. Like I'm typically ok when I go away, but not when she leaves. I go crazy. This past week was particularly hard, and I'm not sure it was just Mark's death that pushed me nearly over the edge. That certainly didn't help, but it was her leaving.  How embarrassing and shameful.

Her retiring, or moving is not her abandoning me. Hmmm.

Wonder how long I'll be able to believe this?

So I'm feeling alone because Celia's gone?  Can I really admit that to myself?

We're supposed to Facetime in about 2 hours.  I just got high and now I can't decide if I should try and write or if I should sleep it off, live in my head for a bit.

A friend/business acquaintance died today, and that has really shaken me.  I asked one of the kids to come in and work my hours today. I'm in sort of a fog. Almost  feel like I died.  Does that even make sense?

I wonder if I should tell Celia about my suicide thoughts.  Not suicidal thoughts, like I'm gonna kill myself right now, or tomorrow.  But I do contemplate it a bit.

She asked me on Monday, 'what did I need from her?' I'm not sure what she was looking for, or how  I should answer her? And really, do I really need her, or anything for that matter?  Not to get too deep, but isn't she the one to show me that Li's leaving didn't crush me?.  I survived. She pointed that out to me. Didn't she say that although I may have thought I needed Li  I truly didn't.

I wonder what would happen in someone found all my writing, journals, blog, what they would think.


After, or maybe even before we hung up I was angry.  Or maybe hurt or maybe rejected.

This is what I wanted to text you this morning:
A while ago you told me that your therapist, the one who died, practically raised you.  That is such a strong, meaningful statement and that's the kind of relationship I want with you, but I don't think I'm allowed to, which I guess I understand.  I should have that with M, not the 'practically raised by' part but a deep meaningful one. I felt yesterday that you were pushing me away, pushing me towards M.  I feel like I can't have what I think I want or need, but maybe I'm not worth it.  I've been telling myself to not text and now here I am wanting to.

How much and often can I text you?

I was able to distract myself and hold off on texting celia yesterday.  Still feeling the urge today, but Mark's death and funeral today is keeping it down. I did up my Abilify yesterday, so a little of the darkness has been lifted, but it's definitely still there.  Not looking forward to going today.  I'll be leaving shortly but I'm still actively debating it.

Still feeling down. Just stupidly looked up Celia on Facebook, just for a connection; wish I hadn't.  Normally she has her settings set to private so all I could usually see is some old pics of her.  But this time they were recent.  Pics of her and her husband away this past week.  Pics of her new house, on a lake.  Really nice place.  I don't plan on telling her this as last time she secured her page so I couldn't see anything.  Not sure what's change but it has sent me spiraling down even more.  I guess seeing her post such happy photos makes me jealous.

How will I be able to face her? Why does it make me feel so bad?  Is it just because it reminds me of how Not in her life I am? I'm not allowed to know anything about her?

Funny, I woke last night around 3am and I thought I had made it. I thought I was feeling better and not longing to see Celia.  But then something changed after I had woken back up from finally falling asleep.  Something shifted.  I was back to being sad.

I'm probably bothered by Celia's post because she's in a good place and I'm not.

It's Sunday, she flies home today but I'm still wanting to text her, and at the same time still angry with her.  They are both pretty crazy thoughts, not based in reality at all.  She doesn't hold all the cards, neither the good or the bad, does she?

I feel sort of 'ok' today.  I've been able to fend off the need to text Celia, although of course I still want to.  I want to connect with her, I want to ask her when her flight leaves, and more importantly when does she come back. We'll Facetime next week, on Monday and Wednesday and I know I'm pretty lucky to be able to.  I also wanted to ask how many clients she will be 'seeing' next week.  I want to feel special to her. But I probably won't ask her that.

We did some good work yesterday, atleast I think we did.  This morning I couldn't 'live in my head'.  Which means I was able to talk with her, but I still miss the comfort of living in my head. I'm gonna get high later which will help me escape for a bit.

I was even able to tell her about being angry with her the other day.  Not used to telling somebody that, especially when logically I don't really have a valid reason to be mad.  But maybe I'll be able to share more uncomfortable, non-logical feelings/thoughts with her.  Maybe it will help with the attachment and obsessive thoughts.  Maybe there's hope yet?

I was angry when I left today.  It felt like I didn't have enough time and she didn't have the time for me.  Although logically I know it was the normal Monday-50-minute session.  And I know I never think it's enough time when I do the 50 minute sessions.  I also wanted to leave with some answers, come clarity, some way of easing the angst. But that did not happen

I know I disassociate, and it's bothersome, but I also think alot of my crap has to do with attachment. And maybe I've pathologicalized the attachment? the dependency? feeling like I need Celia way too much?  That's what I meant when I said I can't breath.  It's more like I'm holding my breath, waiting for my next appointment.  That's what I get lost in thought about.

Spent most of the night thinking about this whole disassociating thing.  And I do disassociate some but it's really the inbetween session stuff that is affecting me now.  So much time thinking about therapy.  Missing Celia.  Sort of wishing I meant something to her.  But I say 'sort of' because I wished for that with Li and look where that got me.  Sometimes I really feel like I'm going crazy.  So crazy that I wish I could do something to make it stop.  I know that means suicide, although I'm 98% certain that I would never do that, but the thoughts are sometimes there.

I want to tell Celia that think she was wrong about the disassociating thing.  Well I guess not completely wrong but that I really thing the focus should be attachment and transference.  The longing for someone to really care about me, to be truly interested in what I'm thinking and feeling.

The dependence is difficult to get my head around. It feels so wrong. And maybe triggering?   The needy feeling sends me to a state of anxiety as well.

Wonder if any of this right now is triggered by you leaving next week?

This feeling of 'neediness' is very similar to my experience with Janice, which in fact led me to therapy, figuratively and literally.  I was obsessed with her.  It's never been in a romantic way, with any of them.  But I always wanted to know where Janice was.  I craved her attention.  But not getting enough of it, which I probably never could spiraled into a deep depression, and full on living in my head.  I would find excuses to go by her office, to talk with her.  Would take extra care in her requests and her clients, in hopes of pleasing her.  Even though I really didn't like babysitting, I jumped at the opportunity to watch her kids.  Sometimes we would go out and socialize, I hated when other people where and crave deep conversations with her.  I remember once when I had told her that I was having a hard time in therapy she offered to pick me up after a session.  I was so happy, I thought we'd get a chance to have a meaningful conversation, but instead she brought her kids and literally just picked me up and drove me home.  I was crushed.

Lots of thoughts/some dreams about Celia leaving me (ok, not really leaving me).  I'm feeling angry about it, which means I'm feeling angry about going to see her today. I can't get past the 'feeling' thing.

Therapy hangover.  It's got to be one of the worst parts about going to therapy.  The day, or two, after.
It's a feeling, just a feeling, and thoughts.  I feel the need to get high just to be able to better articulate what happens.
It's very lonely.  And scary.  I crave to reach out to Celia.  And I feel like my thoughts and feelings will continue to spiral until I touch base with her, know she's there.
Sometimes I am able to distract myself and get my head out of therapy, but not lately.  I'm not sure if it's because I don't actually want to distract myself, or it's something else.
I'm supposed to meet up with Li on Monday.  I'm nervous about that and not sure I really want to go.
So now I sit in that familiar place, to text Celia or not?  I'm hoping writing will curtail the urge and also conjure up the words to talk about it with her on Monday.
Do I just drop her a text?  I really hate bothering her, even though she has told me that I'm not.

Sent her a text.  Damn I'm crazy

When I most comfortable with myself?  When I am home alone, living in my head.  Weird?  Probably.

I hate scheduling problems.  Makes me feel like I don't matter.  And is that an old feeling?  Probably. But it still doesn't mean that it's not true, that I matter. I'm a little jealous of her clients in Tennessee. And yes, I understand that its crazy to believe that. Although I have to admit that I seem to be processing a bit different than I normally do.  I also held off on a funny comment, which would have been made to lighten the mood, at least in my head.

I'm scared to connect, really connect with C. Funny, can't even write her full name.  I think it will be too much.  I think I will be too much.

Should I text her or not this weekend.  With us not doing Monday's session, because of Labor Day, and me having a hard time with that, she suggested I text so I don't feel so disconnected and anxious.

I think I may  need to talk about 'hugging' again soon....see what I mean about being too much.

Was Li a narcissist? Or just my mother? Or am I drawn to narcissistic people? Am I a narcissist?

There must have been a time before the anger, before pushing her away, before putting up the walls?  I wonder when that was. I assume it wasn't one incident that then launched a thousand walls, but a culmination of events. Is that the reason for the longing now.

I miss the text messages between Li and I.  Not the agonizing ones, like if we're in the middle of a rupture.  But the funny ones, which were also therapeutic.

I definitely don't want to need Celia.

How can I trust Celia?  And should I trust her to the extent that I really want to?

How do you know when to fight for someone, or let them go?

As an update, I did text Celia yesterday.
Me: So my text...It's a longing, wish I understood it better, but how to get past it? A rhetorical question for now.
C: I'm hear; listening..We will keep talking it through, together.

I felt better after the text exchange, now the question rises again Do I text Celia? And I have been thinking about texting L too.  Guess it's just one of those weekends.  Maybe cause my wife and daughter have been away?  Too much alone time.

With Claire and Li I always felt best and less obsessive when I felt connected. I am scared to feel that with Celia. Maybe I don't want to feel good? Maybe I'm convinced she'll leave? Maybe I don't want her thinking I'm ok?

I wish , like I did with Claire and Li , that she would sit next to me.

Maybe it's not connection, but feeling secure?  Is that possible? I finally get what a 'secure base' means to me. Very interesting

I wish Celia sat next to me. Sometimes I imagine what that would look and feel like. Sometimes I picture us talking outside sitting on a bench.